Now hold on just a gulldern minute! My name is Yosemite Sam (Brownback), and I’m the roughest, toughest, ruthless, he-man hombre’ to ever cross the Rio Grande.

So when I say that the budget is a mess because of the breckafreckin,’ rickasnackin,’ flapawreckin,’ puterluna global commodities, that’s exactly what I want to blame it on.

Forget the fact that those long-eared, fur bearin’ flat-footed varmints predicted that we would have more gulldern money to spend. And I don’t care if that bushwackin’ barracudan’ pension plan has been under-funded for a long time. I took a blockaflockin’ stab at fixing that in 2012. Now forget, I say forget the fact that I reversed everything that I did in doublecrossin’ well-forgottin’ 2014. It helped me get reelected ya’ doggone crazy galoots. Great horny toads, I blew to smithereenies the gulldern taxes of 330,000 flaparappin,’ six-shootin,’ high falutin’ small businesses, and when I say whoa on taxes, I mean whoa, camel.

I tried to give the sackarackin’ state of Kansas some help when I raised sales taxes on those ripparopin’ gottabesmokin’ flea-bitten varmints that use tobacco. And I’m going to try to make you feel a little better by telling you that smackin’frackin gulldern Oklahoma is heading off to the last roundup, too.

And after I get done pointin’ fingers at everyone else, because you know it’s gulldern not my fault, I’m comin’ back, and I ain’t comin’ back to play marbles.

And I know we started out in 2014 with a lot of smashin’frashin’ cash, $700 million to be exact in cash reserves, I don’t know where all the mishin’mashin,’ not-my- pashin’ dollars went. I guess we’re spending more than we’re bringin’ in. But don’t get your frackin’sackin’ feathers all ruffled, I know how to kick the can down the road, I mean to say I know how to fix this gulldern problem.

The ritzasnickin’ education system is in such good financial shape, right now, I’m tinkering with the idea of cutting 3% off their funding. And on top of that, I may delay the nickinsackin’ sent-me-packin’ $93 million that’s supposed to be contributed to your pension plan, because, as you all know, the pension plan is in crickarickin’ I’m-a-chicken, terrific shape, too.

And even though there’s now federal legislation in place that allows the trucker’s pensions to be cut if it would improve the solvency of the fund, you gulldern know that will never happen in this state of Confusion, er’ I mean Kansas.

So whatever you do, you better start saying your prayers, varmint, becuz’ I’m a gonna come to you to help straighten my, er, this mess up.

Tim Schumacher, Hays