He says the tree should be put up the day after Thanksgiving. She says twelve days before Christmas is the right time. He says you should go all out on gifts for everyone. She says gifts are less important than spending time together with loved ones. He says the best time to open Christmas gifts is Christmas Eve. She says the best time is Christmas morning. He says the tree should come down right after Christmas. She says it should stay up through Epiphany. And the holiday argument goes on.
Couples or step families experiencing their first holiday season together may be surprised at the intensity of their beliefs about celebrating holidays. People who are normally loving, compromising individuals may dig in their heels and cling to doing things the way they were done when they were children. Or, they may have an image of the “perfect” holiday that they want to create. Even after several years together it is not unusual for each to feel that the holidays are still not quite right if the experiences don’t match up to the ones they knew growing up or the ones they have pictured in their mind.
The issue in these holiday discussions is not who’s right and who’s wrong. Both are right. The big issue is change. Our rational side tells us that resolving the issues means compromise by everyone. But, our emotional side says that we really want things to be as we’ve known or envisioned them. Change isn’t always welcome when it comes to deeply-rooted notions of the best way to do important things.
Most of us adapt to change most comfortably in small steps, not in one big dramatic shift. As change forces itself upon us, such as a marriage or the death of someone we love, we keep going on, day by day, holiday by holiday. We may even create new traditions to fill the gaps. Still, a part of us may long for that which is no longer possible. Children of divorced parents may cling to holiday memories when Mom, Dad, and children lived under one roof. Newlyweds may insist that holidays be celebrated “my family’s way”. But the holidays will never be exactly the same and it’s a change we can’t alter.
Some holiday changes are much less traumatic. Certain foods may be so traditional that no one has ever asked if anyone really likes that food. A friend tells this story– in her family, oyster soup on Christmas Eve was a tradition. Year by year they began to notice that the oysters were left in the bottom of the soup kettle. When her family took a poll, no one really liked oysters! They served the soup each year because that’s the way their family had always done it. So, changing the menu to cheese soup the next year was a low-stress change that she says “hasn’t traumatized anyone yet!”
So, back to our “he says, she says” discussion. If a compromise is going to be comfortable to those involved, the issues will have to be discussed to the satisfaction of both parties. Negotiations will likely involve discovering which traditions are most important for each person and trying to accommodate those with the highest priority. Also, be aware that building holiday traditions is more than a one-year decision. As time goes by and changes occur, traditions may need adjustment.
In the midst of negotiating and planning holiday traditions, don’t overlook treasuring the day-by-day experiences of the holiday season. As Dolly in the Family Circus cartoon reminds us, “Today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.”
Linda K. Beech is Ellis County Extension Agent for Family and Consumer Sciences.