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KZ Country Cheesy Joke of the Day 1/3/19

khaz cheesy joke logo 20110802

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER… FASTER…

BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping…

Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP…

…on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and,

The coffin stops.

 

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NW Kan. fire departments among those receiving grant dollars

Office of the State Fire Marshal

TOPEKA — Seventy volunteer and part-time fire departments across the state received funds this year through the Kansas Firefighter Recruitment and Safety Grant Program administered by the Office of the State Fire Marshal (OSFM). The grant awards will be used by fire departments for the purchase of safety gear, washer/extractor machines for cleaning bunker gear, start-up of Junior Firefighter programs and physical costs for firefighters with no insurance or ability to be reimbursed by their department.

Northwest Kansas departments receiving grant dollars included:

• Colby Fire Department
• Ellis County Fire Department
• Greeley County Fire Department
• Grinnell Rural Fire
• Norton Fire District #12
• Osborne County Rural Fire District #2
• Russell City Fire Department
• Ness County Fire District #3
(A full listing is below.)

This program was made possible with the 2018 State of Kansas budget passed by the state Legislature. Last year, 36 departments were awarded grant funds with the previous grant budget of $200,000. The OSFM was able to award grant funds to nearly twice as many departments this year, with the funding being doubled to $400,000.

Volunteer and part-time fire departments face recruitment and retention challenges because they do not have the funding to provide safety equipment. Without new equipment provided by the recruiting fire department, potential volunteers are faced with not only donating their time but also providing their own safety gear, sharing gear with others, or doing without. There is also a proven increase in cancer diagnoses for firefighters, which can be caused by prolonged exposure to carcinogens, particulates and biohazards. The proper gear, regular cleaning of that gear and equipment, along with preventative healthcare is crucial for a firefighter’s health and well-being.

This year, over $1.3 million in requests from 79 departments were submitted. Fire departments received approximately $310,000 to be used for safety gear and $90,000 for 26 washer/extractor machines. Due to the high number of requests, OSFM will be requesting the 2019 Legislature continue funding this important grant.

“We’ve seen, by the sheer number of requests for this funding, the need is high among our volunteer and part-time fire departments,” Doug Jorgensen, State Fire Marshal, said. “It is simply unacceptable to ask Kansans, not only to volunteer their time as first responders in smaller communities, but to also sacrifice their safety by not giving them the tools they need to protect and serve their communities as volunteer firefighters. This grant allows us to assist in providing some of the funds needed to provide safety equipment the departments otherwise could not afford.”

For more information on the Kansas Firefighter Recruitment and Safety Grant Program, visit https://firemarshal.ks.gov/agency-resources/kfrsg.

Edited to include Ellis County in list of grant recipients.

Public meeting planned for bridge project south of Russell Springs

KDOT

RUSSELL SPRINGS — The Kansas Department of Transportation will host a public meeting regarding the upcoming construction and closure of K-25 south of Russell Springs for a bridge replacement project this spring. The meeting will take place on Thursday, Jan. 10, from noon to 2 p.m. at the Logan County Road Shop, 519 Armstrong, Russell Springs.

KDOT engineers will outline the construction phasing, provide details on the official state detour and answer questions regarding access to county roads. Construction is slated to begin in February and be completed by mid-October. Traffic will be detoured using U.S. 40, U.S. 83 and K-96.

The meeting location is ADA accessible. Persons in need of a sign language interpreter, an assistive listening device, large print or Braille material, or other accommodations to participate in this meeting should notify Lisa Mussman at (785) 877-3315 or [email protected].

W. Kansas watershed eligible for riparian quality enhancement initiative

(Click to enlarge)

KDA

MANHATTAN. — The Kansas Department of Agriculture–Division of Conservation announces the Riparian Quality Enhancement Initiative (RQEI) to provide financial assistance for the enhancement of riparian areas. This initiative will be made available to designated areas within the Delaware River, Stranger Creek, Little Arkansas River in western Kansas and Rock Creek Watersheds. Riparian areas are the vegetation and habitats along rivers and streams.

This initiative will support practices that provide new alternative water sources, increase riparian fencing, and enhance the riparian area. Projects will receive 80 percent cost share, with a limit that varies based on the type of project; funding will be through the Riparian and Wetland Protection Program. The streams that have been targeted for this initiative were selected because they are labeled as Total Maximum Daily Loading (TMDL) for E. coli or fecal coliform bacteria by the Kansas Department of Health and Environment.

All areas that are part of a producer’s grazing system are eligible for cost share — pasture, range and cropland — so long as livestock have access to the riparian area for water or shelter.

Interested producers should consult with their Conservation District or the USDA Natural Resources Conservation Service to submit a project proposal. All applications for the RQEI will be due by Feb. 15, 2019, and successful applicants will be notified by March 15, 2019.

For a full list of practices that can be included in the RQEI initiative, a map of the targeted watersheds, and additional program guidance, along with a link to contact information for Kansas Conservation Districts, go to agriculture.ks.gov/Riparian.

Survey suggests improving business conditions in Midwest

OMAHA, Neb. (AP) — Business conditions improved last month in nine Midwest and Plains states despite shortages of skilled workers, according to a monthly survey report issued Wednesday.

The Mid-America Business Conditions Index rose to 55.2 in December from 54.1 in November, the report said. The October reading was 54.9. Survey organizers say any score above 50 suggests growth.

“The regional economy continues to expand at a positive pace,” said Creighton University economist Ernie Goss, who oversees the survey. “However, as in recent months, shortages of skilled workers remain an impediment to even stronger growth. Furthermore, supply managers are reporting negative impacts from tariffs and trade skirmishes.”

The December employment index sank to 50.0 from 57.5 in November.

“Overall manufacturing employment growth in the region over the past 12 months has been very healthy at 2.3 percent, compared (with) a lower 2.2 percent for the U.S,” Goss said. “I expect this gap to close in the months ahead as regional job growth slows faster than national manufacturing job growth.”

The survey results are compiled into a collection of indexes ranging from zero to 100, with a score above 50 suggesting growth. A score below that suggests decline. The survey covers Arkansas, Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota, Oklahoma and South Dakota.

Looking ahead six months, the December index for economic optimism fell to a still solid 54.1 from November’s 55.5.

“However, I expect business confidence to depend heavily on the Fed’s interest rate policies and trade talks with China,” Goss said. More than 43 percent of supply managers who responded to the survey expected profits for their companies to improve in 2019, he said.

The regional trade numbers turned sharply lower last month. The index for new export orders slumped to 48.1 from November’s 51.8, and the import index plummeted to 41.1 from 54.3 in November.

“Despite higher tariffs on imported goods, healthy regional growth boosted imports for the month,” Goss said.

NW Kan. students earn academic honors at MidAmerica Nazarene

OLATHE — MidAmerica Nazarene University recently announced its President’s, Dean’s List and Honor Roll for the fall 2018 semester. A total of 418 students qualified for one of the honors.

All students in traditional programs carrying 12 semester hours or more with a term GPA from 3.2 to 4.0 may qualify for one of these academic honors. Neutral credit hours are excluded from the calculation and reduce the course load used to figure the honor. The President’s List is a 4.0 grade point average for the semester; Dean’s List ranges from 3.5 to 3.99; and the Honor Roll is 3.2 to 3.49.

Following are MNU students named to the President’s List, Dean’s List and Honor Roll, listed by hometown:

Hays
Jeanie Balzer, Dean’s List

Palco
Emily E Roy, Dean’s List

Paradise
Jayden L Newbold, Dean’s List

MidAmerica Nazarene University is a private, Christian, liberal arts university of more than 1870 students. Offering 40 plus traditional undergraduate majors, the university is also known for its accelerated professional and graduate programs. Study abroad as well as service-learning experiences are encouraged through MNU’s Go Global and ServiceCorps programs. The campus is located on 105 acres in Olathe, Kansas. More information may be found at www.mnu.edu.

Study: People flocking to Vermont, leaving Kansas

ST. LOUIS (AP) — Vermont’s population is among the smallest in the U.S., but a study from United Van Lines indicates people are moving to the New England state.

Kansas had the fifth-highest percentage of outbound moves, the study found.

The suburban St. Louis-based moving company on Wednesday released its 42nd annual National Movers Study, which tracks customers’ state-to-state migration patterns.

Vermont has the second-smallest population among states, exceeding only Wyoming. Yet Vermont saw the highest percentage of inbound moves in 2018.

Four Western states filled out the top 5: Oregon, Idaho, Nevada and Arizona.

New Jersey had highest percentage of outbound moves, followed by Illinois, Connecticut, New York and Kansas.

The study showed that Americans continue to move west and south. The Mountain West and South regions saw high percentages of inbound moves. The Northeast and Midwest had high percentages of outbound moves.

No. 5 Kansas holds off No. 23 Oklahoma 70-63

LAWRENCE, Kan. (AP) – Dedric Lawson had 13 points and 15 rebounds, Kansas’ young backcourt made enough crucial plays when it mattered, and the fifth-ranked Jayhawks held off No. 23 Oklahoma 70-63 on Wednesday night.

Devon Dotson added 16 points and fellow freshman Quentin Grimes had 14 for the Jayhawks (12-1, 1-0 Big 12), who survived a nervy final minute to win their 28th consecutive conference opener.

The last time Kansas lost its initial Big 12 game was against Oklahoma on Jan. 8, 1991.

The Sooners (11-2, 0-1) nearly turned the trick again Wednesday night, rallying just about every time the Jayhawks went on a run. And when Charlie Moore missed two free throws in the final minute, Aaron Calixte’s off-balance runner got them within 67-63 with 31 seconds to go.

Dotson made the second of two foul shots at the other end for Kansas. Calixte and Kristian Doolittle then came up empty for Oklahoma before Dotson made two more free throws to seal the win.

Lagerald Vick finished with 12 points for Kansas, despite an off night shooting the ball. He was 2 of 7 from beyond the arc, where the Jayhawks were just 4 of 21 as a team.

Brady Manek led the Sooners with 16 points and 11 rebounds. Doolittle added 10 points and Christian James had 11, though he was just 4 of 15 from the field and 1 of 7 from beyond the arc.

The Jayhawks got off to a slow start, but Dotson’s layup midway through the first half catapulted them on a 15-0 run. Most of it was fueled by defense, where Udoka Azubuike swatted a shot and turnovers turned into easy fast-break opportunities. Dotson capped it with a 3-pointer from the wing.

Oklahoma briefly nipped into the lead, but the Jayhawks closed with a 12-3 charge – Lawson scored his first two field goals after a 0-for-9 start – to take a 40-25 lead into the break.

The Sooners ramped up their defense, which had been holding opponents to 66.1 points, and made a run early in the second half. The highlight came when Doolittle threw down an alley-oop dunk to wrap up a run of nine straight points over the opening five minutes.

Lawson provided an answer for the Jayhawks.

The preseason Big 12 player of the year scored back-to-back baskets moments later. Then, after Dotson knocked down a 3 off a pretty assist from Marcus Garrett, Lawson added another basket to provide the Jayhawks a 58-45 lead and force Oklahoma coach Lon Kruger to call for a timeout.

Oklahoma got the deficit back to single digits by the final media timeout, and kept the game close the rest of the way. But the Jayhawks, despite missing crucial free throws, managed to hang on.

BIG PICTURE

Oklahoma had won seven straight heading into the Phog, yet the Sooners’ struggles in the venerable field house continued. They have lost 18 straight in the building, their last win coming in 1993.

Kansas struggled from the perimeter but made up for it with defense and determination. The Jayhawks tracked down loose balls, forced the Sooners into 17 turnovers and made enough free throws to survive.

UP NEXT

Oklahoma returns home for Bedlam against Oklahoma State on Saturday.

Kansas visits Hilton Coliseum to face Iowa State on Saturday.

Kan. man jailed following crash after fleeing traffic stop

SHAWNEE COUNTY — Law enforcement authorities are investigating a Kansas man on multiple charges after he fled from a traffic stop.

Slaughter

Just before 9 p.m. Wednesday, police officers stopped a vehicle for a traffic infraction at SW 6th and SW Lane in Topeka, according to Lt. Manuel Munoz. Officers made contact with the driver who provided false information to the officers. As officers were trying to determine the driver’s identity, he took off at a high rate of speed. Officers did not pursue the vehicle due to the danger it posed to the public.

Additional officers from the Community Response Unit, who were in the area to the north, saw the vehicle that fled and observed it had crashed near the intersection of SW 3rd and SW Clay, according to Munoz. Officers took the driver identified as Sydney Slaughter, 27, Topeka, into custody a few houses from the scene after a short foot pursuit.

Officers also located a stolen handgun in the vehicle. Slaughter was transported to Shawnee County Department of Corrections for numerous traffic infractions, Felony Obstruction, Felony Fleeing and Eluding, Possession of Marijuana, Possession of a Stolen Firearm and Felon in Possession of a Firearm by a Convicted Felon. Later, officers returned to the area where the original car was stopped and located another handgun, according to Munoz.

Slaughter has previous convictions for robbery, aggravated assault and aggravated intimidation of a witness, according to the Kansas Department of Corrections.

Kansas 7th least affected by gov. shutdown; some area closures

WALLETHUB

With the U.S. government closed for business for the 21st time since 1976, this time with a partial shutdown, the personal-finance website WalletHub today released its report on the States Most & Least Affected by the 2019 Government Shutdown to add some hard data to all the rhetoric.

According to the study, Kansas is the seventh least affected state by the partial shutdown.

Area entities that are closed include Fort Larned National Historic Site, Larned, and the Dwight D. Eisenhower Library, Museum, and Boyhood Home in Abilene.

WalletHub compared the 50 states and the District of Columbia in terms of five key metrics, ranging from each state’s share of federal jobs to federal contract dollars per capita to the share of families receiving food stamps.

Impact of the Government Shutdown on Kansas (1=Most Affected, 25=Avg.):

  • 26th – Share of Federal Jobs
  • 42nd – Federal Contract Dollars Per Capita
  • 33rd – Real Estate as a Percentage of GSP
  • 46th – % of Families Receiving SNAP (Food Stamps)

To view the full report, please visit:
https://wallethub.com/edu/government-shutdown-report/1111/

Sunny, warmer Thursday

Thursday Sunny, with a high near 46. West northwest wind 6 to 9 mph.

Thursday Night Mostly clear, with a low around 24. West northwest wind around 7 mph.

Friday Sunny, with a high near 52. West northwest wind 7 to 9 mph.
Friday NightClear, with a low around 25. West southwest wind around 7 mph.

SaturdaySunny, with a high near 53.

Saturday NightPartly cloudy, with a low around 27.

SundayMostly cloudy, with a high near 47.

New Kansas insurance chief names KDOT official top assistant

TOPEKA, Kan. (AP) — Insurance Commissioner-elect Vicki Schmidt has picked a high-ranking Kansas Department of Transportation official to serve as her top deputy.

Republican Vicki Schmidt is the new Insurance Commissioner

Schmidt announced Wednesday that upon taking office, she will appoint Barbara Rankin as assistant insurance commissioner. Schmidt is scheduled to be sworn in Jan. 14.

Rankin has been the Department of Transportation’s chief counsel since 2011. Schmidt said Rankin also has more than 20 years of legal experience in the banking, insurance and securities industries and built what Schmidt called “a wealth of knowledge and experience.”

Schmidt is a Republican who was elected insurance commissioner in November after serving 14 years in the Kansas Senate, including as chairwoman of its Public Health and Welfare Committee.

Departing Insurance Commissioner Ken Selzer unsuccessfully sought the Republican nomination for governor last year.

Texas pulls away from short-handed Kansas State, 67-47

By AVERY OSEN
Associated Press

MANHATTAN — It has been feast or famine from the perimeter for Texas this season.

Wednesday was a feast night for the Longhorns, who gorged themselves to the tune of 14 3-pointers as they won their Big 12 Conference opener for the 15th time in 23 seasons, pushing past short-handed Kansas State in the second half for a 67-47 victory.

Kansas State was without Kamau Stokes, who averages 11.1 points per game. Stokes missed much last season with a broken ankle and he reinjured the it during a morning shooting session and did not dress for the game. The Wildcats already were without Dean Wade, who is recovering for a foot injury.

Kace Febres hit 8 of 10 shots from the field, including 7 of 9 from 3-point range, and scored 15 of his 23 points in the second half for Texas (9-4, 1-0 Big 12), which won for the fourth time in their last five games. Kerwin Roach II added 10 points in the winning effort.

“Our guys did a really good job of keeping a winning mindset,” Texas coach Shaka Smart said. “We talked about that before this game because Kansas State always does a very good job of making it hard on you.”

The Wildcats (10-3) have struggled offensively, averaging 67 points per game coming into conference play, and losing Stokes further hampered their ability to score.

“I think we could’ve done a little bit better even without (Stokes and Wade) in there,” Barry Brown said. “Just get the ball moving side to side, I think motion worked a little bit for a stretch.”

Makol Mawien had 12 points and was the lone Kansas State scorer to reach double figures.

“We talked about getting it to (Mawien),” Wildcats coach Bruce Weber said. “He struggled a little bit early in the game and maybe tried too much.”

It was a good night for Texas from the 3-point line, shooting 64 percent and going 14-27, with five of those coming in the final five minutes.

Texas used a 33-12 run to end the game after trailing by as many as five in the second half.

With 10 minutes to play, Febres hit back-to-back three’s to give Texas a 40-35 lead and the Longhorns never trailed again.

“Shot preparation is everything,” Febres said. “Coach preaches always to stay in my shot and to make sure I am not leaning back. I make sure to keep in my mind every look and the results were pretty good today.”

The Wildcats used a 14-4 run to end the first half and start the second to take a two-point lead with 13 minutes left in the game.

Midway through the first half, Texas switched to a zone defense that stifled the Wildcats. K-State only went to the free throw line once while Texas shot three free throws in the first half.

BIG PICTURE

Kansas State will need to rely on their bench play much more to carry the through this stretch without Wade and Stokes.

Texas picked up a huge road win to start conference play. If they can shoot the ball that well most of the season they will be in great shape.

UP NEXT
K-State will take on No. 11 Texas Tech on Saturday in Lubbock.

Texas hosts West Virginia at 8 p.m. Saturday.

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