June is the most popular month for weddings in Kansas. While many brides and grooms are walking down the aisle for the very first time this month, others are getting married for the second time, or more.

Most people want a marriage that will last a lifetime. Unfortunately, couples entering their first marriage have approximately a 50 percent chance of getting divorced. Remarriage carries an even greater risk.  The divorce rate for second marriages, when only one partner has children, is over 65 percent. When both partners have children, the rate rises to 70 percent.

Why is there such a risk for remarried couples? Compared to first marriages, studies show that remarriages tend to include more individuals who may have personality characteristics that increase their likelihood for divorce (such as immaturity, impulsivity, poor judgement and so on.) Also, more remarried people often see divorce as an option for ending marital problems than do couples in first marriages.

It’s not all doom and gloom, though. Remarriages can be successful. Although problems will most certainly arise, it’s important to remember that remarriages need the same effective and consistent nurturing as first marriages. Here are some characteristics of successful remarried families from the family experts at K-State Research and Extension:

• Successful remarried couples have mourned their losses. When couples remarry, they may have already been through many changes from death or divorce. They may have to grieve the loss of a previous marriage, the loss of a partner, the loss of a dream. When past grief is resolved, there may be less hostility with former partners and, as a result, children may be more likely to build a relationship with a stepparent.

• Successful remarried couples have realistic expectations. When couples remarry, they may know more about what to expect from marriage. Partners may make a stronger commitment to the new marriage and work harder to make sure it works. Realistic couples realize there isn’t necessarily “instant love” between new family members. They know it takes time and patience to build new relationships.

• Successful remarried couples have a strong couple bond. Couples realize that love alone is not enough. They nurture their relationship by taking care of their needs for fun, relaxation and togetherness as a couple.

• Successful remarried couples establish new family traditions. When two families come together, it’s hard not to feel that one way of doing something is right and the other way is wrong. Successful remarried families recognize that preferences are just different, not better or worse. Starting new traditions or combining routines and old traditions from both households can enrich the new family.

• Successful remarried couples deal positively with past relationships. When couples work to reduce hostilities between former spouses, it can also enhance the marital quality of the new marriage.

• Successful remarried families accept the changes in their household.  Partners acknowledge that relationships with step children are just forming and shouldn’t be rushed or forced. Remarried couples also recognize that stepchildren are different from their own and have grown up in a different environment. They work together to agree on a set of rules so everyone can cooperate and get along together.

• Successful remarried couples are flexible. They talk about their expectations and work together to manage family demands. When something doesn’t work as planned, they work with each other to think of and try new options.

Remarriage doesn’t guarantee “happily ever after.” Just like any marriage, a remarriage takes time, communication, and commitment. If children are involved, there are additional challenges, complications and potential stresses that families must deal with. Couples in successful remarriages make sure they communicate well and show their love daily to each other, keeping their commitment fresh and strong.

For more information to strengthen remarried families, explore the resources from K-State Research and Extension at www.ksre.ksu.edu/Families/p.aspx?tabid=83. This page features the “Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies” fact sheet and home study course and more resources for stepfamilies. You can also ask for the fact sheet at the Ellis County Extension, 601 Main, Hays, (785) 628-9430.

Linda K. Beech is Ellis County Extension Agent for Family and Consumer Sciences.