“Mortdecai” is an abysmal, unadulterated train wreck. This is easily the worst movie I have seen since “Tammy,” and I daresay that it is second only to “The Watch” for the unholy crown of “Worst Film I Have Ever Reviewed.”

Johnny Depp is utterly and irredeemably ludicrous as the title character Charlie Mortdecai. There was never any intent for smart humor here. This was intended to be stupid funny and it fails miserably. Depp is plenty idiotic, but I only needed one hand to count the number of times he was even remotely close to amusing. The rest of the principal cast, consisting of Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor and Paul Bettany – strong, respected actors all – each try to salvage this disaster, and each is forcefully written and directed into the ground.

Director David Koepp has had respectable success in the past, as the director of “Premium Rush” and “Secret Window” and has collaborated some truly wonderful projects as a screenwriter; however, his approach to Mortdecai either accomplishes none of its intended goals, or was simply listless. Far more sinful is writer Eric Aronson, whom I had never heard of. After researching his filmography on IMDB.com, I discovered that his only other writing credit was for a 2001 film titled “On the Line” which stared Lass Bass and Joey Fatone from the boy band ’N Sync. I haven’t seen it, but it is really not hard to imagine how much of a train wreck that piece was.

I really have no idea why Johnny Depp, one of the great character actors of our time, would sign up for this heap. At best, this was a paycheck movie for all involved that will likely cost the studio dearly because I really don’t think they’re going to make it up in ticket sales. Perhaps here is the silver lining – I can’t remember any high school play I’ve attended in my life that was worse than “Mortdecai.” Therefore, anyone reading this who has ever starred in a high school play, congratulations, you have upstaged Johnny Depp.

1 of 6 stars