HALOS tries to break stigma, help loved ones overcome guilt after suicide

By CRISTINA JANNEY
Hays Post

Suicide is like a bomb going off in your life, one member of the Healing After Loss of Suicide grief support group said.

On a recent visit to a meeting of the Center for Life Experiences’s HALOS grief support group, some of the members talked about the emotional fallout from losing a loved one in this devastating way.

The members of the group respect the pain that the stigma often brings when the story of a loved one’s life is shared. They also respect each member’s need to tell their story, so they asked specific names not be shared.

In addition to stigma, guilt was a reoccurring theme.

One member lost her sister-in-law as a result of suicide four decades ago. The pain persists.

“At that time, and to a certain extent today, there is a stigma to suicide. You didn’t talk about it at all,” she said.

After her brother died four years ago, she started to attend the HALOS group and talk about her sister-in-law’s death.

“I am finally able to talk about it,” she said. “I couldn’t do it, because there was also guilt that ‘What did I do that lead her to do it?’

“It is hard to explain the things that you think of that might have led to it.”

Ann Leiker, CFLE executive director and group facilitator, said in that era there were no support groups and you were basically told you just had to get on with your life, not look back and not talk about it.

Another member’s daughter had taken her life. She was diagnosed with depression before she entered grade school and had struggled her whole life emotionally. Yet this HALOS member also talked about her shock at the death and the extreme guilt she felt when her daughter died.

She said she is still pained by how the people around her responded to her daughter’s death. She said they pretended like she never existed.

“It was like being ignored, and the pain was so acute and you are in shock at first when it happens,” she said. “You feel like you’re … I don’t know … a ghost walking through this world.”

As bad as that pain was, she still had to function, go to the grocery store and take care of her other children.

“It was as though I was a non-entity. The world didn’t seem real to me. It is such a profound loss, you can’t experience anything like that,” she said. “People don’t know what to say to you or how to act.”

A neighbor led her to the group.

“If I didn’t have this group to go to, I don’t know… When something like that happens, the guilt is so horrible. To this day, you could tell me over and over again, ‘It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. You did everything you could,'” she said but her voice began to quiver and she began to cry. “But I know there was something there that I could have done.”

“There is no one when you come right down to it, even with the group. … You’re all alone. You’re just alone. There is that guilt to suicide. It is a profound loss for all of us. It is a different kind of death, and you don’t really want to experience it because you can’t get rid of it.”

Yet another member came to the group after many years of not being about to talk about her brother’s suicide. He died in the 1970s.

“It was discussed within family only, not outside. There was such a stigma with suicide,” she said. “And so my children and my nieces and nephews — they didn’t even know my brother or anything about him. Like she said. They act like they don’t even exist. Well, my brother existed. He was alive.

“I loved him, so I made an album for him my children and my nieces and nephews if they ever want to find out about their uncle. ”

She continued, “With suicide, there is no closure because you don’t know. You may think you know the reason and probably it might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. But I think it is many little things that happen throughout their lives.”

For years, she had wanted to connect in some positive way with other people who had been affected by suicide. When she moved back to Hays in 2009, she saw an ad for HALOS on Channel 8. She has been with the group ever since.

She focuses on trying to celebrate her brother’s life and not his death.

“You don’t want your loved ones to be forgotten,” she said. “They existed and they deserved to have a life. One thing we do is share what they did throughout their lives. It’s a story, and we focus on the life.”

Nursing students were observing the group the night the Hays Post visited as they do regularly for CFLE groups.

The member addressed the nurses, “I want to tell you, as nursing students, if you come across anybody who has had suicide in their lives, don’t be afraid of them. They are just normal people. They just need a boost. Be there for them. They need an ear.”

A man and his wife began attending the group together after their son died. He said they continue to come back to the group because they can share their experiences.

“To talk to somebody who knows what you went through,” he said. “You can’t just go out here on the street and run into someone and talk to them. We have all been there. We have all had it happen. We can talk, and you don’t get funny looks or ugly faces.

“We just talk as friends. This basically become our second family. We talk to these people just like family.”

“There is no stigma in this room,” another member said. “We don’t judge.”

The woman who lost her daughter said, “There is a compassion here that we can’t get anywhere else, not even from our best friends, not even our family members. It is only the people who have had to live through it. It is not understandable to other people.”

The people in the group said the cliches many people use to try to comfort you after a death just don’t work. They don’t want to hear things, such as “They are in a better place” or “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

People who are suffering in that way really need friends and family to anticipate needs, such as food, mowing the lawn, an hour of housework, listening or a simple hug.

“We need someone to listen,” she said. “We need to talk about that person. You have to let us miss that person and talk about that person.”

She said she really appreciated a fellow-support group member who came over and cleaned her bathroom. Another member of the community baked her family bread.

The woman who lost her brother said, “Suicide is something that needs to be talked about. It’s happening. It is in our society. It’s amongst our young ones, and we just need to talk about it honestly. Don’t be ashamed.”

The group also talked generally about the stigma associated with mental illness. Members agreed more resources need to be dedicated to assist people who suffer from mental illness. Western Kansas has the highest suicide rate in the state and that rate is climbing, yet because of its rural nature, accessing treatment for mental illness can be difficult, Leiker said.

HALOS is the only suicide grief support group west of Salina and only one of a half a dozen in the state.

Leiker said mental illness also needs to be decriminalized.

“Our societal approach to suicide needs to be rethought and reframed,” she said, “so people who are in so much pain the only solution they see is ending their lives are not re-traumatized by becoming a part of the legal and law-enforcement systems unless a crime is committed.

“Law enforcement are often the first responders to a suicide attempt and want to help the situation but are often short on available resources due to cutbacks in funding mental health at all levels. Everyone is trying, but we need more people available to help.”

When a suicidal person is reported to 911, they send the police and that person is sometimes taken to treatment in handcuffs.

The HALOS group is open to anyone. It is free, and all you have to do is show up to the group. Leiker and the Center for Life Experience also facilitates Healing Hearts, for those grieving the loss of a child; Healing After Loss, for those grieving the loss of adults; and the National Alliance on Mental Illness, which offers support groups for both people who suffer from mental illness and their families.

If you or someone you love is in immediate danger of suicide, call 911. For non-emergencies, you can contact High Plains Mental Health at 1-800-432-0333.

To learn more about HALOS, NAMI or any of the Center of Life Experience groups or programs, visit its website.

Cover graphic courtesy CanStockPhoto.com