By CRISTINA JANNEY
Hays Post
You are not alone — that was the message many of the walkers had at the annual Out of Darkness Walk in Hays had on Saturday.
About 70 people gathered at Municipal Park to remember friends and loved ones who have died as a result of suicide or to find support as they or someone they care for struggles with depression.
The Kelly Center, one of the sponsors of the event, provided colored beads that walkers could wear to show how they have been affected by suicide.
One woman, who did not wish to give her name, said not only has she struggled with depression, but she lost both her mother and grandmother to suicide. She was only 18 when her mother died. She said she felt as if her mother abandoned her.
“… that she didn’t care enough and didn’t love us enough to stick around,” she said, “but at that time, I didn’t understand that has to do with suicide like I do now. I am more understanding now, and I don’t have any anger toward her. If anything, I want to give back.”
A desire to be here for her family has helped her resist acting on thoughts of suicide. She also leans on her friends, some of whom also struggle with depression and anxiety. She also goes to therapy regularly and takes medication.
“It is weird with people who have never been suicidal. It’s hard to explain. It is easier for them to say, ‘Get over it’ or ‘I’ll get you something that will make you feel better.’ There is always some easy solution. … ” she said. “A lot of people who commit suicide have a lot of things we don’t even know about as far as what they have gone through and their traumas.”
She added, “It is not any select group. It happens to the rich. It happens to the poor. It happens to people who have everything and people who have nothing.”
Jess Bieker, 30, also struggles with depression. She attempted suicide and survived. She also lost a friend in high school to suicide.
In her darkest time, she struggled to care for herself even to eat because of her depression. For almost a year, she almost never left her house.
“Taking a shower was like running a mile,” she said. “I could hardly get myself to do that.”
She was constantly hearing a voice that told her to kill herself. She was convinced nobody wanted her around.
“Suicide victims are not selfish,” she said. “When they are doing that act, they think they are doing everybody a favor. I thought by sacrificing myself, I thought I was going to help my family, not be a burden.”
To deal with her depression and anxiety, she goes to therapy regularly and changed her diet.
“I was isolating myself in my bedroom in big cycles, so I forced myself to get out and get sunshine,” she said. “I did a lot of self-worth talk. That was a problem. I thought I was worthless and everybody’s lives would be easier without me. I learned to love myself because I learned I couldn’t help anyone else until I helped myself.”
Bieker has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and has worked as a recovery specialist. She hopes to return to school and study for her master’s degree in social work and work with others who have struggled with mental illness.
Bieker encouraged people who also may be struggling with depression to reach out.
“There are people who care. Your brain tricks you. You are going to think nobody loves you at all. That is never true. There is at least one person that will listen. Please just talk to somebody.”
Emma Vredenburg, 17, of Hays said it was a friend physically pushing her into her school counselor’s office that led to her getting help for her depression and anxiety.
“It was really rough in the beginning. I didn’t feel anything in the beginning and then I felt all of these emotions,” she said. “I didn’t know where they came from or how to process any of it.”
Her depression made school very difficult. She wasn’t motivated to do her school work and she was anxious about even going to school.
Vredenburg is now participating in therapy.
“It helped me realize what I was doing to work through my depression wasn’t healthy and that I needed to change how I processed things to make my brain healthier,” she said.
She said she would tell other students her age that depression and anxiety is not just something that you are going through.
“There are people you can reach out to,” she said, “and it will help. In the beginning, it feels horrible, but if you talk to someone, even if it is just a friend or a teacher or a parent and then get professional help if you need it, you’ll feel way better.”
Vredenburg said she has struggled with suicidal thoughts, but her family has been there to listen and help her through those feelings.
She said she would tell others who may be struggled with the same thoughts, “Everyone is loved. No matter who you are or what you think of yourself, there is someone who loves you.”
Alexis White, 16, and a large group of other participants, walked for White’s best friend, Calista Isbell, an Hays High School student who died by suicide when she was a freshman. This is White’s second year participating in the walk. Isbell’s mother also participated in the walk, wearing a picture of her daughter pinned to her shirt.
“I just really feel like it is important to get the word about suicide out there,” White said. “It is one of the things that isn’t talked about as much. It is something that is happening all over the world.”
White said her friend’s death had a significant negative affect on her.
“I didn’t realize how much I relied on her until she wasn’t here anymore,” she said.
She said she and others felt a lot of guilt after Calista died.
“After awhile you learn to accept the fact that you couldn’t have changed what happened,” she said. “There is nothing that could have been said or done that could have changed anything if they were already in that state of mind.”
The Out of the Darkness Hays Walk is one of more than 375 Out of the Darkness Community Walks being conducted nationwide this year. The events are sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
High Plains Mental Health has a 24-hour crisis line that can be reached at 1-800-432-0333. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). The national suicide crisis text line can be reached at 741741.
The local National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) group meets on the first Monday of the month at 6 p.m. at the Hadley Center. For more information, contact Ann Leiker, coordinator, at 785-259-6859.
Other resources on depression and suicide