An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He finally went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a hearing aid that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly again.

The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later for a follow
up appointment.

The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I’ve
just been sitting around and listening to the things they say when they
think I can’t hear them!”

 

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Old Ammunition

A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some
ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it
contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War
II.

“We didn’t know what to do with them,” the woman explained. “So all
these years, we’ve kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china
cabinet, away from our children.”

The officer assured the couple he’d dispose of the ammunition safely.
But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a
strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the
top of the other shell and found a hard white substance.

There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.

 

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Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

A: Swimming trunks.

 

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Perfectly Made Bed

A couple was selling their house. The mother stressed emphatically that her sons must make their beds each morning. She left for work before they left for school, and she wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

The mother was surprised and impressed that her 15-year-old son’s bed was perfectly made each day. One night when she went into his room, she discovered his secret.

He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

 

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Counting Quiz

The teacher was quizzing the grade one class on counting.

“Who knows what comes after three?”

“Four,” answered little Timmy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven,” answered little Suzie.

“Very good,” the teacher with encouragement. “Now does anyone know what
comes after ten?”

“A jack,” answered little Johnny.

 

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Q: What did the leprechaun referee say when the soccer match ended?
A: Game clover.

Q: What was the leprechaun’s favorite cereal?
A: Lucky charms

 

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Q: What was the leprechaun’s favorite kind of music?
A: Sham-rock and roll.

Q: How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!

 

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Q: Why do leprechauns hate marathons?
A: They like to jig more than jog.

Q: Why did the leprechaun go out the door?
A: To sit on the paddy-o

 

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Q: Why are leprechauns so concerned about global warming?
A: They’re really into green living.

Q: Where can leprechauns always find gold on St. Patty’s Day?
A: In the dictionary

 

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Q: What happened when the leprechaun fell into the river Shannon?
A: He got wet.

Q: Why do leprechauns wear shamrocks?
A: Real rocks are too heavy!

 

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A man was getting his hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in his two-year-old son.

Without hesitation, the barber answered, “When he’s four.”

 

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Two good ole boys, Bubba and Johnny Ray, were sittin’ on the front porch when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

“I’m gonna do that when I win the lottery,” said Bubba.

“Do what?” asked Johnny Ray.

“Send my grass out to be mowed,” answered Bubba.

 

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Bubbling With Anxiety

A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so the vet told him to bring the animal over.

When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet’s opinion. At last the doctor turned to him and asked, “Do you have any children?”

“Oh my gosh, is it contagious?” the man gasped.

“No,” the vet answered. “It’s bubble gum.”

 

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