Literal Eggs

One morning a soldier was in line for breakfast and noticed that the
cook behind the counter looked like he was having a bad day. After the
solder gave his order, the cook asked how the soldier wanted his eggs.

Not wanting to burden him further, the soldier said cheerfully, “Oh,
whatever is easiest for you.”

The cook took two eggs, cracked them open onto the soldier’s plate and
then handed it back to him.

 

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Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Rufus
Rufus Who?
Rufus the most important part of your house.

 

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Why do cows wear bells?
(Their horns don’t work!)

What do you get when you cross a cow and a goat?
(A coat!)

 

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Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics!

 

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Peaty Payment

A farmer went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

He gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, “I suppose
you will want some identification.”

The clerk replied, without hesitation, “No sir, that won’t be
necessary.”

“How come?” asked the farmer.

“Crooks don’t buy peat moss,” answered the clerk.

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Eating Off The Carpet

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in
his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has
a chance to say anything he runs inside and dumps dirt all over the
carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this
up, I’ll eat every bit of it.”

She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”

The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”

She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on
yet.”

 

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Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?

A: Because it was not peeling well.

 

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