An Outstanding Award

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize… to people who are out standing in their field.”

 

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Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch,he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down,he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.

 

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Exact Time

Every weekday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone
operator in a small town received a call from a man asking for the exact time.

One day the operator got up the nerve to ask him why he called so often.
“I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” the man explained. “Every day I have
to blow the whistle exactly at noon, so I call you to get the correct
time.”

“That’s funny,” the operator giggled. “All these years, we’ve been
setting our clock by your whistle.”

 

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Going Out

A woman was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space.

Nothing. No open spots at all.

Then she noticed a couple walking just ahead. She slowly pulled alongside them and rolled down her window. She called out hopefully, “Going out?”

“No,” said the man. “We’re just friends.”

 

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Pizza Coupon

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, the mother handed him the money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza AND the coupon.

When asked to explain, he replied, “Mom, I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”

 

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Performing an Appendectomy

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home because he was performing an appendectomy.

“My,” said the census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?”

“Sure do! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!”

 

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Mystery Tipping

A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the screen.

He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a big tip.”

The usher moves him into the front row, and the man rewards him with a measly quarter.

The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, “the wife did it.”

 

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Greeting Card Selection

A little boy was carefully reading all the greeting cards at the store.

After a few minutes the clerk asked, “What is it you’re looking for? Happy Birthday? Get Well Soon? Happy Anniversary to your mom and dad?”

The boy shook his head, “No.”

“Then what kind of card is it that you want?” asked the clerk.

The boy answered wistfully, “Got any blank report cards?”

 

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Don’t Forget The Plan

A forgetful husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, and provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates, along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home he saw a bouquet, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, “Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”

 

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A Flying Turtle?

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the lowest branch, jumped into the air waving his front legs, and dropped to the ground. He slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

 

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A Long Climb

Bill, Jim and Scott were staying in a 75-story hotel. One afternoon they were told that the elevators were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room on the top floor.

Bill said, “The climb will go faster if we distract ourselves. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way.”

Bill started telling jokes and didn’t stop until the 26th floor. Then Jim began to sing and kept going until the 51st floor. Then Jim stopped singing and told Scott to start telling sad stories.

“I will tell my saddest story first,” Scott said. “Once upon a time there was a man who left his hotel room key in the car…”

 

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Tuning Reminder

It seemed that every time John the piano tuner came to Mary’s house, he scolded Mary for waiting too long between tunings. Mary agreed with John that it should be done every six months, but she don’t really think about it until the piano sounded off-key.

Last time Bill came over to tune the piano, Mary was on the defensive: “If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist,” she declared, “I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion.”

Without hesitating, he replied, “From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me.”

 

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I didn’t see any.

 

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