Q: Why can you never trust atoms?

A: They make up everything!

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Diet Buddies

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose a few pounds
she had put on recently.

“Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be
dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to
drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you!”

 

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How does a cucumber become a pickle?

It goes through a jarring experience.

 

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It was so cold…
the computer store was selling giant keyboards so people could type with mittens!

It was so cold…
Mother Nature moved out and went south! She’s no longer on speaking terms with Father Winter.

 

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Q:. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A: In a snow bank.

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water!

 

 

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Possible Aspirations

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they
grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.

“A football player… a doctor… an astronaut… the president… a
fireman… a teacher… a race car driver….”

The teacher noticed that Tommy was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, “Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“Possible” Tommy replied.

“Possible?” asked the teacher.

“Yes,” Tommy said. “My mom is always telling me I’m impossible. So
when I get to be big, I want to be possible.”

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Funeral Baking

An old man was on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he
suddenly smelled the scent of fresh buns wafting into his room.
Aaahhhh… he loved fresh buns more than anything else in the world.

With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed… down the
stairs and into the kitchen he went. There was his beloved wife,
kneading the dough for a new batch. As he reached for one of the fresh
steaming buns, he got smacked across the back of his hand by the wooden
spoon his wife was holding.

“Leave them alone!” she said. “They’re for the funeral!”

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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

 

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In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.” Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

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Q: What is a robot’s favorite snack?
A: Computer chips.

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Major Problem

A  major was assigned to a new office on a military base. While he worked to set up his office, a private knocked on the door. The major quickly picked up the phone and motioned for the private to enter.

On the phone the major said, “Yes, General, I think that is an excellent idea. . . . No sir, that’s fine, you feel free to call me any time. I’m glad I can help. . . . Yes sir, I will, and you give my best to your family as well. Thank you sir, and a good day to you too, General.”

As the major hung up the phone he turned to the private and asked, “What can I do for you, private?”

Sheepishly, the private mumbled, “Um, sir, I’m just here to hook up your phone.”

 

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Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: An Impasta

 

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Q. What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
A. Booberries…

 

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