A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.
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When Grandpa and Billy entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Billy whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.’
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A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked; “What is the quickest way to the lake?
The local thought for awhile. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist.
“I’m driving.”
“That is the quickest way!” the local said.
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Muffling Response
The owner of a construction company lived where winters were very
fierce. He felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his
foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on
the bitterest day, the owner asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”
The Foreman said, “They were a thing of beauty. They kept my ears toasty
warm, and I was able to work all day in perfect comfort.”
“Then why aren’t you wearing them?” the owner asked.
“I wore them the first day,” the foreman explained, “and somebody
offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! I’ll never make that
mistake again!”
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A Sure Bet
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
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The First Kiss
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a goodnight kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”
“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”
“NO, no. I just can’t.”
“Pleeeeease?…”
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
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After the Anesthetic
An overworked father was visiting a hospital where his teenage son was
about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, “What’s that?”
The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he
won’t know a thing.”
“Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed the man. “He doesn’t know anything
now.”
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Devious Dollar
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in
the park. Her mother was touched by the child’s kindness, and gave her
the dollar.
“There you are, my dear,” said the mother. “But, tell me, isn’t the lady
able to work any more?”
“Oh yes,” came the reply. “She sells candy.”
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Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”
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Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine?
A: It wooden go!
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
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Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
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A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He’s full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him and asks, “Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!”
“I know…” Says the priest, “but that was just my altar ego”.
