Emergency Housecall

A doctor answered his phone late in the evening and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

“We need a fourth player for poker,” said his friend.

“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.

“Where are you going at this hour?” demanded his wife as he was pulling
on his coat.

“I’m sorry, honey,” he replied, “but I have an emergency call.”

“Is it serious?” his wife asked.

“Oh yes, very serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are
three doctors there already!”

 

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Why can’t you shock cows?
(They’ve herd it all!)

Why did the cow cross the road?
(To get to the udder side!)

 

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Q: When did the fly fly?
A: When the spider spied her!

 

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Have you heard about the cow astronaut?
(He landed on the moooon!)

 

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New Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s
perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor, “what kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

 

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What Did You Do Today?

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem. His children were playing in the front yard in their pajamas.

Inside the house the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys. In the kitchen dishes filled the sink and breakfast food was spilled on the counter.

The man headed up the stairs where he found his wife curled up in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

He looked at her bewildered. “What happened here today?” he asked.

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?”

“Yes,” he replied.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

 

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Q: Why wouldn’t they let the butterfly into the dance?
A: Because it was a mothball.

 

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At Rope’s End

A monastery was perched high upon a cliff and the only access to reach
it was by way of riding in a basket which several monks hauled up to the
top.

Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a
wicker basket it was terrifying to all but the naively fearless.

One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he saw
that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and
splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked
the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.

Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, “whenever it breaks.”

 

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The Security Guard

Passing an office building one Sunday, a girl saw a sign that said, “Press bell for security guard.”

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the guard clomping down the stairs. She watched him shut down the alarm system, put three different keys in three different locks, and finally open the door.

“Well,” the security guard said to the girl, “what do you want?”

She looked at him curiously. “I just wondered why you couldn’t ring it yourself.”

 

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Q: What’s worse than a worm in your apple?
A: Half a worm.

Q: What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?
A: A hoarse fly!

 

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One Bad Essay

Jimmy’s English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best
of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious
when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper.

“This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read,” ranted
the teacher. “It has too many mistakes. I can’t understand how one
person would have made all these mistakes.”

“One person didn’t,” replied Little Jimmy defensively. “My father helped
me!”

 

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Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak and got quite chilly. One lit a fire in the craft, but of course it sank. This proves that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

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Where do cows go for entertainment?
(To the moo-vies!)

What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?
(An animal that can milk itself!)

What is a cow’s favorite day?
(Moo-years Day!)

 

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