As a lady entered the elevator at the hospital, a disheveled-looking man rushed in behind her carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations.
Smiling knowingly, the lady asked, “Does he look like you?”
“I hope not,” the man said. “I just deliver flowers.”
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Under The Bed
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Come to me three times a week for two years,” said the psychiatrist, “and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“Too expensive. My paperboy cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off my bed!”
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The Tree Challenge
A young man was about to play golf when an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany him.
Eventually on the 9th fairway the young man found himself with a tough
shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the
green.
The old man said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right
over that tree.”
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and
hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the
ground about one foot from where it had started.
The old man remarked, “Of course, when I was your age that tree was only
3 feet tall.”
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New Hospital Technology
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.
“So would I, ” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”
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In the doctor’s office, two patients were talking. “You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in my by mistake.”
“A sponge!” exclaims the other. “And do you feel much pain?”
“No pain at all,” says the first, “but, boy do I get thirsty!”
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Dried Geraniums
“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, “we don’t have potted geraniums. Could you use african violets instead?”
Replied the customer sadly, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”
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What do you call a very old ant?
An antique!
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Wife-Colored Glasses
A woman walked into a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.”
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Waiting Room
The doctor’s office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving at his normal snail’s pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and started walking toward the door.
“Where are you going?” the receptionist called out.
“Well,” he said, “I figured I’d go home and die a natural death, instead of just being bored to death.”
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What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Stop taking me for granite.
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Most Deserving
A father of five won a large stuffed animal in a raffle. All the way
home he agonized about which child should receive the toy. When he
arrived, he called the kids together.
“I have decided this gift should go to the most deserving,” he said.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mommy?
Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices cried in unison. “You do, Daddy!”
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What did the television do at the beach?
Channel Surf
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Formula For Water
The teacher asked, “What is the chemical formula for water?”
Little Johnny replied, “HIJKLMNO!!”
The teacher, puzzled, asked, “What on earth are you talking about?”
Little Johnny replied, “Yesterday you said it was H to O!”
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