It’s a Chocolate Muffin Day

A young man staggered into the small-town bakery at the crack of
dawn on an extremely cold, wet, and stormy morning. “Thank heavens
you are open,” he gasped. “Do you have fresh double chocolate
muffins?”

When the baker nodded , a huge smile broke out on the young man’s
face. “It’s worth the trip, then – she’ll be so happy. It will make
her day!”

The baker nodded with understanding. “Are these for your mother,
then?” he asked.

“No – my wife! Do you think my mother would send me out on a day
like this?”

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In Both Ears

“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. “I
try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the
other.”

“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher. “But
you only have two ears.”

“You see, sir? I’m no good at math, either.”

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Penny For Your Thoughts

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy’s ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”

 

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Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?

A: Because they cantaloupe.

 

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What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off the walls?
Rick O’Shea

 

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The Brake Breakdown

Sherry was exasperated with her younger sister, who bought an unreliable
car and called for a ride every time it broke down.

One day Sherry got yet another one of those calls.

“What happened this time?” she asked.

“My brakes went out,” her sister said. “Can you come to get me?”

“Where are you?” Sherry asked.

“I’m in the drugstore,” her sister responded.

“And where’s the car?”

“It’s in here with me.”

 

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Contented Cows

Farmer Jones had heard that the best milk comes from contented cows.  Therefore, he’d visit them every morning and tell them jokes.

The cows laughed and laughed and gave excellent milk. But the news got around about the cows.

They became known as the laughing stock of the community.

 

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What do cows do for entertainment?

They go to the moooo-vies.

 

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No Help Reading

When a Dad took his 4-year-old to the optometrist to pick up new
glasses, the boy asked why he had to wear them. The doctor replied,
“They’re to help you read and be able to see the computer better.”

When the two of them got back home, the boy sat down at the computer. In
a few minutes he called his Dad over and said, “There’s something wrong
with my glasses.”

“What’s the problem?”

“I can see the computer better, but I still can’t read.”

 

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The Pole Witness

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had
struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale,
nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

“Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?” inquired the
officer.

“Officer,” exclaimed the telephone lineman, “I was at the top of the
pole!”

 

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Classic Glass Problem

One day in philosophy class they spent a great deal of time debating
whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, one
student was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning
at university, so when he went home he tried to continue the discussion
with his family.

With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and
poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and
placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, “can
anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?”

Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, “depends if you’re
drinking or pouring.”

 

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Choosing Sides

When the family was moving cross-country the Mom and Dad each needed to
drive one of their two cars. Their eight-year-old son worriedly asked,
“How will we keep from getting separated?”

“We’ll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other,” the Dad
reassured him.

“Yes, but what if we DO get separated?” the son persisted.

“Well, then I guess we’ll never see each other again,” the Dad answered
back jokingly.

“Okay,” the boy said. “I’m riding with Mom.”

 

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Triple Play