Why did the pig stop sunbathing?

He was bacon in the heat.

 

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Q: What do bees chew?
A: Bumble gum!

 

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Did you hear about the group of cows NASA launched into orbit?

It was the herd shot around the world.

 

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Dining advice:

Don’t eat a clock.

It is very time consuming especially when you go back for seconds.

 

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A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around.  He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”

“I Know,” says the second owner.

“How do you know?”

“My dog told me.”

 

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Q: What kind of berry has a coloring book?

A: A crayon-berry

 

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What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

 

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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

 

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A genie appeared to a man one day and asked, “What’s your first wish?”

Taken aback, he quickly answered, “I wish I was rich!”

The genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich?”

 

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A man hated his wife’s cat, Mr. Peepers, so he drove the cat to a park and left him.  When the man got back, Mr. Peepers was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he drove Mr. Peepers to another town and booted him out.  The man arrived home to find Mr. Peepers asleep in his chair.

Finally, the man drove 20 miles away, turned right, then left, over a mountain, down into a valley, across a river, into a thick forest and dumped Mr. Peepers.  Hours later, he called home to his wife: “Jen, is Mr. Peepers there?”

“Yes,” said his wife.  “Why?”

“I’m lost and I need him to give me directions home.

 

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What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.”

 

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Frog on the Psychic Hotline

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and the psychic tells him:
“You are going to meet a pretty young girl who will want to know
everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled. “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”

“No,” says the psychic, “in her biology class.”

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Fred calls his plumber. “Can you please come fix my kitchen sink again?”

The plumber replied, “You know, Fred, I’m always at your disposal.”

 

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