After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
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What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.
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Penguin Patrol
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of
penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with
penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy agrees
to do so and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the
truck full of penguins — and they’re all wearing sunglasses! He pulls
the guy over and says, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to
the zoo yesterday!”
The guy replies, “I did – they loved it, thanks. Today I’m taking them
to the beach!”
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Family Duet
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For goodness sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”
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Making Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”
The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, “That’s
interesting. How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and
add ‘es’.”
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Protesting Robber
Police had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control
himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give
me all your money or I’ll shoot,” this man blurted out, “that’s not what
I said!”
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The Line-up
In heaven there were two lines. One said “Men who were bossed by their wives,” and the other one said,”Men who weren’t bossed by their wives”.
There was a big line for the first one, but then the man who was checking peoples name in the book of life saw one man in the other line. So he told the guys to wait. He asked the man why he was in that line.
The man replied,”My wife told me to.”
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There were three men on a hill with their watches.
The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke.
The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it.
The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it.
The third man said, “Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!”
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If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
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Q: What is the strongest animal?
A: A snail because it carries it’s home.
Q: What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?
A: French Flies.
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I Want To Be A Cowboy
More than anything, Billy wanted to be a cowboy. Taking pity on him, a
rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
“This is a lariat,” the rancher said while showing him a rope, “we use
it to catch cows.”
“I see,” said Billy, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the
lariat. “And what do you use for bait?”
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The End Is Near
Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign
saying:
THE END IS NEAR! TURN YOURSELF AROUND
NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!
…and showed it to each passing car.
One driver that passed didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted out his
window, “Leave me alone you nuts!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash.
Fred turned to Luke, “do you think we should just put up a sign that
says: ‘Bridge Out Ahead’ instead?”
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A Subtle Hint
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman,
complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
“Madam,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”
The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”
The man replied, “I know you didn’t, but your neighbors did.”
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