What do you get from a pampered cow?
(Spoiled milk!)

What do you call a cow with two legs?
(Lean beef!)

What do you call a cow with no legs?
(Ground beef!)

 

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A Solid Reason

Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth. His Mom asked,
“Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?”

Johnny rolled his eyes and replied, “I’m a lot closer to the ground than
you are!”

 

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Know Thy Enemy

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of
fighting.

“How are we faring?” asked the king.

“Sire,” replied the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your
behalf all day, ransacking the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieked the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh, no…” said the knight. “Well, you do now.”

 

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Puddle Crossing

Traveling down a remote country road one day, a motorist came to a stop
in front of a giant puddle covering the entire road. He noticed a farmer
leaning on a fence, contemplating the puddle. “Hey mister, do you think
it’s safe to cross?” he yelled.

“Oh, I reckon so.” The farmer replied.

The man drove on into the puddle, where his car was immediately
swallowed up. The puddle was so deep he had to escape through the window
and swim back to the edge. When he climbed out he was furious with the
farmer. “I thought you said it was safe to cross!”

The farmer stood back and scratched his head. “Well, heck, it only came
up chest-high on the ducks!”

 

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What’s Inside

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the
paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of
paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color
that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your
paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried antacid?”

 

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Missing The Ferry

A man loved living on an island, but he wasn’t crazy about the ferry. If
you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so
waiting for the next one.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he
decided he wouldn’t subject himself to an hour’s wait. He made a running
leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe
on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander,
“Well, I made that one, didn’t I?”

“Sure did,” the bystander said. “But you should have waited a minute or
two. The ferry is just about to dock.”

 

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Cheesy Instrument

A husband and wife were browsing in a crafts store when the husband
noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking
over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, he picked up a shiny,
one-stringed instrument he took to be a mouth harp. He put it to his
lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes
on it.

After watching from a distance, his wife came up and whispered in his
ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese
slicer.”

 

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Helping With Dinner

A fifteen-year-old boy came bounding into the house and found his mom in
bed. He asked if she were sick or something. He was truly concerned.

Mom replied that, as a matter of fact, she didn’t feel too well.

The son replied, “Well, don’t worry a bit about dinner. I’ll be happy to
carry you down to the kitchen so you can cook.”

 

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Back Seat Driver

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate,
the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car
for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat,
directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those
months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,”
said the beaming boy to his Father.

“Nope,” came Dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of
your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for
sixteen years.”

 

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True Entrepreneur

A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective
lessee shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a
men’s wear shop.

“That’s fine,” the mall manager says. “You get free signage; what do you
want on the sign?”

“Men’s Wear,” says the man.

A second guy comes along and asks to rent the right hand space for his
gentleman’s formal wear business. When asked he says he wants “Men’s
Wear” on his sign. The mall manager tells him that the left hand shop
will have the same sign. “No problem,” says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle space. The manager is
somewhat concerned because this guy also has a men’s wear shop. Warily
the manager asks the third man what he wants on his sign.

The guy replies: “Entrance.”

 

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Just Ask Me

On a flight to Florida, Mary was preparing notes for one of the parent
education seminars she conducted. The elderly woman sitting next to
Mary explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two
weeks visiting her 6 children, 18 grandchildren and 10
great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what Mary did for a
living.

Mary told her that she was an educational psychologist, fully expecting
the elderly woman to question her for free professional advice.

Instead the elderly woman sat back and said, “If there’s anything you
want to know, just ask me.”

 

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Money Math

“If you had a dollar,” quizzed the teacher, “and you asked your father
for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?”

“One dollar,” answered little Johnny

“You don’t know your basic math,” said the teacher shaking her head,
disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, “You don’t know my Dad.”

 

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Q: What kind of key opens a banana?

A: A monkey!

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