A Ride to School

The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old
daughter missed her school bus. Her father had to drive her. Since he
did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the
school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn left, several more
before she indicated a right turn. This went on for 20 minutes – left,
right, right, left – but they finally reached the school. Then her
father realized they were only five blocks from home.

Much annoyed, the father asked his daughter why she’d led him around in
such a circle.

“That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy,” the child explained. “It’s
the only way I know.”

 

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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to let me in?

 

 

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A Wise Teacher

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of
school:

“If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at
school, I promise not to believe everything he or she says happens at home.”

 

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Q: Where do pencils go for vacation?
A: Pencil-vania.

 

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Q: Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
A: So they don’t peel!

 

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Q: Who is a bee’s favorite classical music composer?
A: Bee-thoven!

 

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My friend warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils, but it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

 

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Fred’s father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk across the lake to the bar for their first legal drinks.  So when Fred’s 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the middle of the lake, stpped out of the boat and nearly drowned.  Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother.

“Grandma,” he asked, “it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked kindly into Fred’s eyes and said, “Because they were all born in January and you were born in August.”

 

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Q: What kind of vegetable is sold at the zoo? A: Zoo-chini.

Q: What kind of socks do you need to plant Zucchini? A: Garden hose!

Q: Where did the Zucchini go to have a few drinks? A: The Salad Bar!

 

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Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to class?
A: He wanted to go to high school.

 

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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of root beer? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

What did the newspaper say to the root beer float? What’s the scoop?

What does a tree drink? Root Beer.

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I know a girl who has incredible, smooth, unblemished skin. I asked her what her secret was, and she told me every day, she soaks in a tub of milk.

“Pasteurized?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “just up to the knees.”

 

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Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words.

 

 

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