Boys Are Rough
A little girl asked her mother:
“Can I go outside and play with the boys?”
Her mother replied: “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too
rough.”
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked: “If I
can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”
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What Time Is It?
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.
As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
“Yes?”
“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”
The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”.
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”
“8:25!”
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!.”
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Rough Eating
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, a husband declared that oatmeal
would now be his cereal of choice.
But after eating his first bowl, he told his wife, “I hope I develop a
taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”
“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”
“You’re supposed to cook it?!?”
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Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9.
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The Tattle-Tale Parrot
A magician was performing on a cruise ship. The pay was okay, but there was just one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week knew the tricks. In the middle of the show, the parrot would squawk: “Look, it’s not the same hat… he’s hiding the flowers under the
table… hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician couldn’t do anything because it was the captain’s parrot.
One day the ship sank and the magician found himself clinging to a piece of wood… with the parrot perched on the other end. They stared
at each other silently for several hours.
Finally, the parrot squawked: “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the boat?”
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A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.” Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”
Later that day when a couple was over for dinner. The woman began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, “I have such a terrible headache!”
The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”
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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?”
“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do anything,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ’em.”
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The Perfect Caddy
The golfer called to one of the caddies and said, “I want a caddy who can count and keep the score.”
“Yes, sir. I’m very good at keeping score.”
“We’ll see. If I shoot 3 on the first hole, 4 strokes on the second hole, and 5 on the third, what’s my score so far?” asked the golfer.
“Ten, sir,” said the caddy.
“Good, you’ll do perfectly.”
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Long Speech
A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried
away and talked for over two hours.
Finally, he realized what he was doing. “I’m sorry I talked so long,” he
said. “I left my watch at home.”
A voice from the back of the room said, “There’s a calendar right behind
you.”
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Why was the bad baseball team so hot?
They didn’t have any fans.
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Types Of Bears
A couple were vacationing in a national park. The wife expressed her
concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more
comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he’d like to camp and to
calm her concerns, they’d talk to the park ranger to see what the
likelihood of a bear encounter would be.
The ranger told them, “Well, we haven’t seen any grizzlies in this area
so far this year, or black bears, for that matter.”
The wife shrieked, “There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you
tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?”
The ranger replied, “Well, that’s easy, see, if the bear CHASES you up a
tree and it comes up after you, it’s a black bear. If it SHAKES the tree
until you fall out, it’s a grizzly.”
The motel room was quite nice.
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Canine Card Shark
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. “The
brightest dog I ever had,” said one, “was a Great Dane that used to play
cards. He was great at poker, but finally a friend complained about him
and I had to get rid of him.”
“You got rid of him, a bright dog like that?” exclaimed his friend. “A
dog like that would be worth millions.”
“Had to,” the first man replied. “I caught him cheating.”
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Fast Promotions
The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post
room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales
department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman.”
“Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”
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