Where Do You Live?
A father was discussing geography with his two year old daughter: “Where do you live?” he asked her.
“Minneapolis,” she said.
“Where does grandma live?”
“Baltimore.”
“Where does uncle Joe live?”
“Chicago.”
“And where does daddy live?”
“At work!”
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In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America, they call it golf.
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Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
“Want to grab a drink?” he asks the centipede. But, there’s no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again–still no reply. Finally, he hollers, “Hey! Do you want to get a drink?”
“I heard you the first time!” says a small, irritated voice. “I’m putting on my shoes!”
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National Limerick Day
There was once a gal who could rhyme.
But she simply did not have the time.
Although limericks are funny,
They don’t earn much money,
And she died with nary a dime.
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We are giving away the Chicken Soup for the Soul book “Mom Knows Best.”
Listen during a KZ Country Morning with Theresa Trapp Monday, May 13-Friday May 17, 2019 for chances to call 785-628-2995 and win.
No age requirement to win.
Winners will need to pick up their books at the KZ Country Studio, 2300 Hall, Hays, KS within 30 days of winning.
Every mom knows that she’s usually right. It just takes a while for the kids to catch on. These stories celebrate the experience, understanding and wisdom of mothers, grandmothers, stepmothers, and mothers-in-law.
What a great way to show the mothers in your family that you know they were right all along. New moms and experienced moms will enjoy these stories of love and appreciation from grown and almost grown children of all ages. This is a popular gift for mothers, grandmothers, stepmothers, and mothers-in-law all year round.
Congratulations Mark Kranawitter, Roger Legleiter, Mila Burns, Michael Hiss and Linda Palmberg!
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A woman at the supermarket with four boys and a baby was losing her patience as the boys called out, “Mommy! Mommy!” while she tried to shop.
Finally, she blurted out, “I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!”
The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, “Excuse me, miss.”
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Barking Dog
A dog who was normally quiet began barking every night at around 3 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, the dog’s owner searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal.
For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking the owner finally sneaked around the house through the alley only to discover his neighbor throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog.
The owner demanded to know what he was doing. “My mother-in-law is visiting,” the embarrassed neighbor explained. “If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she’ll leave.”
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Moooo-sic To The Ears
There are these two country farmers milking their cows.
While the one farmer is milking, a fly zooms into the cows ear. The cow starts jumping around, shaking its head and mooing. He tries to steady the cow and suddenly it settles down. He looks down and sees the fly swimming in the milk pail.
He turns to his friend and asks “Golly, how’d that fly get down there so fast?”
His friend replies…
“IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE UDDER!”
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Sand Trap Play
An elderly man moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He
went to the Club for the first time to play but was told everyone
scheduled to play was already out on the course. He was so disappointed,
the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12
stroke handicap.
The old man said, “I really don’t need a handicap. The only real problem
I have is getting out of sand traps.”
They both played well. Coming into the par-three 18th, they were even.
The pro had a nice drive to mid-fairway and would be able to get on the
green with the next stroke and then putt for a par with the following
play.
The old man hit a long drive, and the ball landed in one of the two sand
traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap on his second stroke,
he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled right into the
hole!
The Assistant Pro was stunned. “Nice shot, but I thought you said you
have a problem getting out of sand traps.”
“I do,” replied the old man, “give me a hand!”
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Battlefied Driveway
Early one evening a man went out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right
now he’s getting ready for a big date.”
“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of
the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the
driveway was ready for him.”
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Patio Problems
Ray was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, Ray’s next-door neighbor asked, “Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?”
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Fresh Fruit Sale
A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. “Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please,” he says to the saleswoman. She does.
“And three kilograms of apples, please, and wrap up every one in a
separate piece of paper, too.” She does.
“And what is that there,” he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the
corner.
“Grapes,” says the saleswoman, “but they are not for sale!”
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Three drunks hail a taxi. The driver, seeing that they’re wasted, decides to pull a fast one. He switches the engine on, then quickly switches it off and announces, ” We’re here!”
The first guy hands him the fare, the second guy says, “Thanks,” but the third guy angrily smacks the cabbie’s head.
“What was that for?” asks the cabbie, afraid he’s been caught.
“That,” says the third passenger, “Is for driving so fast!”
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