Cheesy Instrument

A husband and wife were browsing in a crafts store when the husband noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, he picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument he took to be a mouth harp. He put it to his lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, his wife came up and whispered in his
ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese
slicer.”

 

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One Peach Of A Tree

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on a man’s peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, he was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.

One warm April day, the man was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and
he stopped to give his dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor
watched the scene with amusement. “Frank,” he finally commented, “you’re
the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!”

 

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A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help.  He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, “Pull, Nellie, pull!”  Buddy doesn’t move.

“Pull, Buster, pull!”  Buddy doesn’t budge.

“Pull, Coco, pull!”  Nothing.

Then the farmer says, “Pull, Buddy, pull!”  And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by other names.

“Buddy’s blind,” said the farmer.  “And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”

 

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Offer Of Help

One evening, a four-year-old child came in while his mom was setting the
table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His
mother said, “No, but I appreciate your asking.”

The child responded, “Well, I appreciate your saying no.”

 

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

 

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Muffling Response

The owner of a construction company lived where winters were very fierce. He felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.

Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the owner asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”

The Foreman said, “They were a thing of beauty. They kept my ears toasty
warm, and I was able to work all day in perfect comfort.”

“Then why aren’t you wearing them?” the owner asked.

“I wore them the first day,” the foreman explained, “and somebody
offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! I’ll never make that
mistake again!”

 

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An Appropriate Picture

The local motor vehicle licensing office was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until one man finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the
man: “That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over
anyway.”

 

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How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
A: With a hare-dryer!

How does a rabbit keep his fur looking excellent?
A: With hare spray!

Q: What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?
A: 14 carrot gold.

 

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Q. How did the Easter Bunny rate his favorite restaurant?
A. He said it was eggs-cellent!

Q. What did one colored Easter egg say to the other?
A. Heard any good yolks lately?

Q. How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
A. Lots of eggs-ercise!

 

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Q: What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A: A hare-net.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny travel?
A: By hare plane!

 

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Small Town Sheriff

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the
town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang. The sheriff’s wife
answered.

An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.

“Both,” came the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s
a burglar in it!”

 

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Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously.

“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.

“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.

“Certainly, madam,” he replied.

“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

“In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

“Morning, madam. Sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.

“Food to your liking?”

“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.

“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.

“OK, I will…thanks!” replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”

 

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