Cookie Trap

Returning from a trip to visit her grandmother in Canada, a woman was stopped by a state trooper for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, she gave him a small bag of her grandmother’s delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on her way.

Later, the same woman was stopped by another trooper. “What have I
done?” the woman asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out
great chocolate chip cookies.”

 

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Scary Scale

Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in
the corner. “Whatever you do,” cautioned one youngster to the other,
“don’t step on it!”

“Why not?” asked the sibling.

“Because every time Mom does, she lets out an awful scream!”

 

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When her son turned eight, the mom knew he would soon be questioning the existence of Santa Claus.
One day, the boy looked at his mom and said, “I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.”
Taking a deep breath, his mom responded, “Oh, what is that?”
“They’re all nocturnal.”

 

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Found A Girl

A boy says, “Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married!”

The father says, “For that son, you have to have a boy and a girl.”

The son says, “I’ve found a girl.”

“Who?”

“My grandmother.”

“Let me get this straight,” the father says. “You want to marry my mother? You can’t do that.”

“Well, why not?” the son says. “You married mine!”

 

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A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.” So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can’t believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he’s standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, “Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything.”

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn’t say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can’t take it anymore.

“You know,” he says to the gorilla, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”

And the gorilla says, “At nineteen dollars a drink I’m not surprised.”

 

 

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When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.

“It’s terrific,” he said. “I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor Mom is still in with Dad.”

 

 

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A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says, “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says, “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.”

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender, “Hey what’s with this bowl of pretzels? It keeps saying nice things to me!”

The bartender replies, “Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”

 

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Low Energy Problem

A man went to the doctor because he was concerned about his lessening level of energy. He told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

 

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Helping With Housework

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own
sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,
“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your sweatshirt?”

He yelled back, “Nike.”

 

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Slice Of The Will

A man went to his lawyer and said, “I would like to make a will but I
don’t know exactly how to go about it.”

The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me.”

Astonished, he replied, “well I knew you were going to take the biggest
slice, but I’d like to leave a little to my children too!”

 

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Very Brave Men

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks: “So how are your men?”

“Very well trained, Gen. McKenzie.”

“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could say they’re the bravest men all over the country.”

“Well, my men are very brave, too.”

“I’d like to see that.”

So Marshall calls over a private and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”

 

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How Many Sheep?

The teacher came up with a good problem. “Suppose,” she asked the
second-graders, “there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped
over a fence. How many would be left?”

“None,” answered little Norman.

“None? Norman, you don’t know your arithmetic.”

“Teacher, you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!”

 

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