Interviewer: “I heard you are extremely quick at math.”
Me: “Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am.”
Interviewer: “Whats 14×27?”
Me: “49.”
Interviewer: “That’s not even close.”
Me: “Yeah, but it was fast.”
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There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.
He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:
“Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. When one day he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.”
She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He finally went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a hearing aid that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly again.
The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later for a follow
up appointment.
The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I’ve
just been sitting around and listening to the things they say when they
think I can’t hear them!”
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Old Ammunition
A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some
ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it
contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War
II.
“We didn’t know what to do with them,” the woman explained. “So all
these years, we’ve kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china
cabinet, away from our children.”
The officer assured the couple he’d dispose of the ammunition safely.
But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a
strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the
top of the other shell and found a hard white substance.
There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
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Perfectly Made Bed
A couple was selling their house. The mother stressed emphatically that her sons must make their beds each morning. She left for work before they left for school, and she wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
The mother was surprised and impressed that her 15-year-old son’s bed was perfectly made each day. One night when she went into his room, she discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
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Counting Quiz
The teacher was quizzing the grade one class on counting.
“Who knows what comes after three?”
“Four,” answered little Timmy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven,” answered little Suzie.
“Very good,” the teacher with encouragement. “Now does anyone know what
comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answered little Johnny.
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Q: What did the leprechaun referee say when the soccer match ended?
A: Game clover.
Q: What was the leprechaun’s favorite cereal?
A: Lucky charms
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Q: What was the leprechaun’s favorite kind of music?
A: Sham-rock and roll.
Q: How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!
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Q: Why do leprechauns hate marathons?
A: They like to jig more than jog.
Q: Why did the leprechaun go out the door?
A: To sit on the paddy-o
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Q: Why are leprechauns so concerned about global warming?
A: They’re really into green living.
Q: Where can leprechauns always find gold on St. Patty’s Day?
A: In the dictionary
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Q: What happened when the leprechaun fell into the river Shannon?
A: He got wet.
Q: Why do leprechauns wear shamrocks?
A: Real rocks are too heavy!
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A man was getting his hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in his two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, “When he’s four.”
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