Two good ole boys, Bubba and Johnny Ray, were sittin’ on the front porch when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
“I’m gonna do that when I win the lottery,” said Bubba.
“Do what?” asked Johnny Ray.
“Send my grass out to be mowed,” answered Bubba.
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Bubbling With Anxiety
A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so the vet told him to bring the animal over.
When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet’s opinion. At last the doctor turned to him and asked, “Do you have any children?”
“Oh my gosh, is it contagious?” the man gasped.
“No,” the vet answered. “It’s bubble gum.”
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Cheap Perfume
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $150.00.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $80.00.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $25.00 bottle.
“What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror.
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It was so cold…
I left the coffee shop with mocha lattés and got into my car with fudgesicles.
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Q: What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
A: You’re looking sharp.
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Dream Farm
The School of Agriculture’s Dean of Admissions was interviewing a
prospective student. “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.
“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the
student replied.
“Your father made a million dollars in farming?” echoed the Dean, much
impressed.
“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”
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Engine Trouble
Two mathematicians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an
engine, but not to worry, there were three left. However, instead of 5
hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.
A little later, the pilot again came over the intercom. He announced
that a second engine failed, and while they still had two left, it would
now take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the intercom buzzed again, and the pilot announced that
a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, the plane could fly
on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new
York.
At this point, one mathematician turned to the other and said, “You
realize that if we lose that last engine we’ll be up here forever!”
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It’s so cold that…
you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
you eat ice cream to warm up.
the snowmen are begging to come inside.
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Heavy Delivery
A man walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, “This package is too heavy, you’ll need another
stamp.”
The man replies, “And how would that make it lighter?”
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Frantic Fatherhood
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, what
should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you fool!” the man said, “this is her husband!”
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Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: A tweetment.
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How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?
Frost bite!
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Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
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