What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

 

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It was so cold…
we saved electricity by unplugging our freezer and moving it outside.

 

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The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home.

“The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented the father, “is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”

 

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Q: What did the bacon say to the tomato?

A: Lettuce get together!

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While talking with his semi-deaf uncle one evening, Ben noticed that his uncle’s “hearing aid” was actually an earphone from a transistor radio.  The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

“How does that help your hearing?” Ben asked.

“It doesn’t,” his uncle replied.  “Just makes people talk louder.”

 

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Q: What kind of witch likes to be at the beach?
A: A SAND-witch.

 

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As a pastor is finishing up his sermon one Sunday morning he said, “In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed.” So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.

 

 

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What do you call a grumpy cow?
(Moo-dy!)

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
(Laughing stock!)

What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
(A Moo-sician!)

 

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Q: What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?
A: A centipede on its back!

 

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Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell?

He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.

 

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Fair Price

A professor handed out the test to his students and returned to his desk
to wait. When the test was over, the students filed over and handed in
their papers.

As the professor was going through the submissions, he noticed one
student had taped a hundred dollar bill to his test. On the bill the
student had written ‘A buck a point’.

The next day the professor handed back the tests.

The student who had attached the hundred also received an envelope
containing sixty-four dollars. On it was written ‘Here’s your change’.

 

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The Catch

A man was returning home from a fishing trip. He was flying down the
highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all
traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn’t long before he saw
flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was
about to walk away when the man stopped him. “Officer, I know I was
speeding,” he started, “but I don’t think it’s fair. There were plenty
of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the
ticket?”

The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on
the passenger seat. “I see you like fishing,” he said.

“Ummm, yes I do… so?” the confused driver replied.

The officer grinned as he turned to leave. “Ever catch ALL the fish?”

 

 

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Timex and Rolex

At the dog park, a lady had two rather large rottweiler dogs. On being
asked the dogs’ names by another park visitor she replied, “one is
called Timex and the other Rolex.”

“Wow, those are some strange names for dogs!” the visitor replied.

“Not really,” the dog owner replied, “they’re watch dogs.”

 

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