Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Guitar!
Guitar who?
Guitar coats, it’s cold outside!

 

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A woman tells her priest, “Father, I have a problem.  My two female parrots only say, ‘Hi, cutie.  Wanna have some fun?'”

“Don’t worry,” says the priest.  “I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible.  We’ll put them in the same cage.  Your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase.”

The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest’s home.  The male parrots are inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.  When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, “Hi, cutie.  Wanna have some fun?”

One male parrot says to the other  male parrot, “Put the beads away, Frank.  Our prayers have been answered!”

 

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Cautious Student

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only
true/false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall and stared at the test for five
minutes. He then removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet; heads for true, tails for false.

The young student finished the exam in just 30 minutes, while the rest
of the class was sweating it out.

Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began
desperately throwing the coin and scribbling frantically.

The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going
on.

“Well, I finished the exam in half an hour,” said the student. “But I
thought I ought to recheck my answers.”

 

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Answer Wanted

One day a bus load of kids went for a field trip to the police station.

One of the kids went into the Chief’s office and saw a picture of a man
with a wanted sign under it.

The kid asked the Chief, “What does ‘wanted’ mean?”

“It means,” answered the Chief, “that we want to find him so we can put
him in jail.”

“Well,” the kid asked, “why didn’t you just put him in jail when you
took his picture?”

 

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A husband and wife purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and they were concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. “If they could live here all those years, so can we!” the husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and they woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. The husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”

 

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You Need a New Fortune Teller If

…every time you draw a card, she yells “Go Fish!”

…he looks suspiciously like the guy who fixed your muffler last week.

…her spoon bending requires a pair of pliers.

…he insists that your astrological sign is “The Armadillo.”

…she shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a heavy snowstorm.

 

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So, a man was about to turn 32.  His wife told him not to get his hopes up for his birthday.

“After all,” she said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” the husband asked.

The wife said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

 

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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly “mmm…that was some good lion meat!”.

The lion abruptly stops and says ” woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can”.

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily “get on my back, we’ll get him together”.

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts “there you are monkey! I told you to bring me another lion an hour ago.”

 

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane. Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this plane will never even start.”

 

 

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A man walks into a bar with his dog.

“This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?” he asks.

“You can have one on the house,” the bartender says.

The man turns to his dog. “What goes on the top of a house?”

Dog: “Roof!”

Man: “What does tree bark feel like?”

Dog: “Rough!”

Man: “Who is the greatest baseball player ever?”

Dog: “Ruth!”

The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. “That’s enough. You and your dog, get out.”

After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. “Should I have said DiMaggio?”

 

 

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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.

 

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Visitor at a ranch says to a cowboy, “Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them?”

The cowboy replies, “No, we just let them go barefoot.”

 

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Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A: A snowmobile!

 

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