John Deer Green
Because John was processing his first accident report at the transport company where he worked, he was being particularly attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. John’s serious mood was broken, however, when he reached the section of the report that asked, “Speed of other vehicle?”
The driver had put, “Full gallop.”
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What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen?
Sir Loin
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Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s freezing out here!
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Q: Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit.
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
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Q. What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
A. Fasten your sheet belts.
Q. What is a ghost’s favorite mode of transportation?
A. scareplane.
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Q. What type of dogs do vampire’s like the best?
A. Bloodhounds…
Q. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
A. With scare spray…
Q. Why didn’t the ghost have any fun at the party?
A. He didn’t have any body to dance with…
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Q. What is a vampire’s favorite mode of transportation?
A. A blood vessel.
Q: How do vampire girls flirt?
A: They bat their eyes.
Q. Why did the Vampire subscribe to the magazine?
A. He heard it had great circulation…
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Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: You’re pointless!
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Q: Why did the computer break up with the internet?
A: There was no connection.
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Mitch was losing his shirt at the racetrack when he noticed a priest bless the forehead of a long shot lining up for the fourth race. Lo and behold, the horse won. Just before the fifth race, the priest did the same to another horse. So, Mitch placed a small bet on it and won.
That day, Mitch raked in serious money following the priest’s lead.
Before the last race, he saw the priest bless the forehead–as well as the eyes, ears and hooves–of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent he had, then watched the horse come in last. Dumbfounded, he hollered at the priest, “What happened? All day long, you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost!”
“The problem,” said the priest. “is you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites.”
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Bob knew he was a lousy bowhunter.
The fact was driven home recently by his ten year old niece. She handed him an arrow that she found in the woods.
“I figured it was yours,” said Bob’s niece. “There’s no deer at the end of it.
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Relaxing Sign
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spent weekends
relaxing in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet
disturbed by well-meaning but unwelcome visits from other campers, they
devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their
motor home:
“Insurance agents. Ask about our term-life package.”
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