Q: What is a robot’s favorite snack?
A: Computer chips.

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Major Problem

A  major was assigned to a new office on a military base. While he worked to set up his office, a private knocked on the door. The major quickly picked up the phone and motioned for the private to enter.

On the phone the major said, “Yes, General, I think that is an excellent idea. . . . No sir, that’s fine, you feel free to call me any time. I’m glad I can help. . . . Yes sir, I will, and you give my best to your family as well. Thank you sir, and a good day to you too, General.”

As the major hung up the phone he turned to the private and asked, “What can I do for you, private?”

Sheepishly, the private mumbled, “Um, sir, I’m just here to hook up your phone.”

 

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Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: An Impasta

 

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Q. What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
A. Booberries…

 

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Returning the Trick

One Halloween, a trick-or-treater came to a woman’s door dressed as
“Rocky” in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Shortly after she gave
him some goodies, he returned for more.

“Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes
ago?” she asked.

“No,” he replied, “I’m ‘Rocky II’. I’ll be back three more times.”

 

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Halloween Treat

This past Halloween my brother had an unexpected guest, an old friend
from high school. Instead of being home to greet trick-or-treaters,
as he had planned to do, he went out with his old friend. He hated to
leave the house unattended and not give the neighborhood children any
treats. He had intended to hand out apples, so he set the bag of apples
on the porch with a sign that read, “Take some, Leave some.”

Later that night, when he got home… there were three sacks of apples.

 

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Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?

A: It barked with de-light!

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The Hand He Was Dealt

A bunch of guys were sitting around a table playing a game of cards. “I win!” exclaimed Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.

“That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!!!”

“How can you tell?” Phillips asked.

“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

 

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Convenient Invitation

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up
suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she
isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to
want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that
she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’
so I made it ‘risk.'”

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What’s in the Bags

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, “What’s in the bags?”

The fellow says, “Sand!”

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects… only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated…

“What have you there?”

“Sand”

“We want to examine.”

Same results… nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn’t show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, “Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won’t say anything what were you smuggling?”

The fellow says, “Bicycles.”

 

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Poker Face

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog
playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

“That is a very smart dog,” the man commented.

“Not so smart, he has a tell,” said one of the players. “Every time he
gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

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Doctors at a hospital went on strike.  Hospital officials said they would find out what the doctors’ demands were just as soon as they could get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.

 

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Smooth Descent

Freddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father’s annoyance.
“Freddy,” he called, “how many more times do I have I to tell you to
come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a
civilized human being.”

There was a silence, and Freddy reappeared in the front room.

“That’s better,” said his father, “now in future will you always come
down stairs like that.”

“Suits me,” said Freddy. “I slid down the railing.”

 

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