At Rope’s End

A monastery was perched high upon a cliff and the only access to reach
it was by way of riding in a basket which several monks hauled up to the
top.

Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a
wicker basket it was terrifying to all but the naively fearless.

One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he saw
that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and
splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked
the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.

Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, “whenever it breaks.”

 

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The Security Guard

Passing an office building one Sunday, a girl saw a sign that said, “Press bell for security guard.”

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the guard clomping down the stairs. She watched him shut down the alarm system, put three different keys in three different locks, and finally open the door.

“Well,” the security guard said to the girl, “what do you want?”

She looked at him curiously. “I just wondered why you couldn’t ring it yourself.”

 

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Q: What’s worse than a worm in your apple?
A: Half a worm.

Q: What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?
A: A hoarse fly!

 

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One Bad Essay

Jimmy’s English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best
of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious
when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper.

“This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read,” ranted
the teacher. “It has too many mistakes. I can’t understand how one
person would have made all these mistakes.”

“One person didn’t,” replied Little Jimmy defensively. “My father helped
me!”

 

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Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak and got quite chilly. One lit a fire in the craft, but of course it sank. This proves that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

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Where do cows go for entertainment?
(To the moo-vies!)

What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?
(An animal that can milk itself!)

What is a cow’s favorite day?
(Moo-years Day!)

 

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As a lady entered the elevator at the hospital, a disheveled-looking man rushed in behind her carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations.

Smiling knowingly, the lady asked, “Does he look like you?”

“I hope not,” the man said.  “I just deliver flowers.”

 

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Under The Bed

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Come to me three times a week for two years,” said the psychiatrist, “and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“Too expensive. My paperboy cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off my bed!”

 

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The Tree Challenge

A young man was about to play golf when an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany him.

Eventually on the 9th fairway the young man found himself with a tough
shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the
green.

The old man said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right
over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and
hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the
ground about one foot from where it had started.

The old man remarked, “Of course, when I was your age that tree was only
3 feet tall.”

 

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New Hospital Technology

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. “Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.

“So would I, ” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”

 

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In the doctor’s office, two patients were talking.  “You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in my by mistake.”

“A sponge!” exclaims the other.  “And do you feel much pain?”

“No pain at all,” says the first, “but, boy do I get thirsty!”

 

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Dried Geraniums

“I’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, “we don’t have potted geraniums. Could you use african violets instead?”

Replied the customer sadly, “No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”

 

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What do you call a very old ant?
An antique!

 

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