Peaty Payment
A farmer went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.
He gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, “I suppose
you will want some identification.”
The clerk replied, without hesitation, “No sir, that won’t be
necessary.”
“How come?” asked the farmer.
“Crooks don’t buy peat moss,” answered the clerk.
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Eating Off The Carpet
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in
his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has
a chance to say anything he runs inside and dumps dirt all over the
carpet.
He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this
up, I’ll eat every bit of it.”
She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”
The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”
She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on
yet.”
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Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well.
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Probably The Right Advice
At a wedding the Master of Ceremonies polled the guests to see who had
been married longest. It turned out to be a grey-haired couple in the
corner. The MC asked them, “What advice would you give to the
newly-married couple?”
The lady said, “The most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re
probably right.'”
Everyone then looked over to her husband. He said, “She’s probably
right.”
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
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What do you call a cow on the barn floor?
Ground beef.
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Whining Golfer
A man loved to play golf. One Saturday, he returned home from a
scheduled golf game much earlier than his wife expected. She asked him
why he was home so early.
“Would you want to play golf with someone who whines about every shot,
complains about everything on the course, and makes noises when you’re
trying to make an important shot?” he asked.
“No, I wouldn’t,” answered his wife.
“Well neither did they.”
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Q. What’s the difference between ‘weather’ and ‘climate’?
A. You can’t ‘weather’ a tree, but you can ‘climate’!
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Abstract Noun
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of,
but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” the teenage student replied. “My father’s new car.”
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What time does a cow got to bed?
Pasture bedtime.
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What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull dozer.
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.
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