How do you know if your clock is crazy?
It goes “cuckoo.”

 

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What a Wonderful Day

One morning a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he quickly answered, then ran off to work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

“First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed when he arrived.

“This is the best Groundhog Day ever!”

 

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Q: What do you call a snail on a ship?
A: A snailor!

 

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Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: I find you very attractive.

 

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During a lengthy sermon, a large plant fell over right behind the pulpit crashing to the ground.  Acknowledging his reputation for long windedness, the minister smiled and said, “Well, that’s the first time I actually put a plant to sleep.

 

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A weather intern walks into a bar and asks for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and gusty cool air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem to get back to normal. The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice. Suddenly the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap things seem to once again get back to normal. Feeling rather good at this point he asks for a third drink- ordering a Tornado on the rocks. This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail stones but ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar violently and break every window. Feeling extra good and cocky at this point he then orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane. The bartender after this request looks up at the guy perplexed and says, “Sorry fella, we have no Hurricanes in Kansas.”

 

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Too Shy

A boy had a crush on a girl at school. Every day his eyes would follow
her wistfully, but he was so timid he couldn’t work up the courage to
speak to her.

“Every time I open my mouth,” he told his best friend, “I get so
embarrassed that I wish I could shrink down into a tiny pebble!”

“I know how you feel,” his friend responded. “But if you really want to
talk to her, you’ll just have to be a little boulder!”

 

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Internet Magic

Nancy decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the
Internet. Her first move was to access the Ask Jeeves website, and Nancy
told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy’s mother was very
skeptical but Nancy insisted, “It’s true, Mom. Try it out. Think of
something to ask it.”

Nancy’s mother thought a minute, then slowly typed out, “How is Aunt
Helen feeling?”

 

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down, Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said.  “She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

 

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Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

He didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

 

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Joe never wanted to believe that his dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when he got home, all the signs were there.

 

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Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where’s popcorn?

 

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Why did the foot smile?
He was toe happy.

 

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