A Red Sox fan walked into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap.  “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!”  shouts the Red Sox fan.  “Except for Mr. Yankees!”

The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!”

Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man.  This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy?  I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me.  Is he nuts?”

“No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender.  “He owns the place.”

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The Calling Of Owls

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl – and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

“My husband spends his nights… calling out to owls,” she said.

“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”

Then it dawned on them.

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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

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After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog.  “But I rounded them up.”

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What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.

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Penguin Patrol

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of
penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, “You can’t drive around with
penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.” The guy agrees
to do so and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the
truck full of penguins — and they’re all wearing sunglasses! He pulls
the guy over and says, “I thought I told you to take these penguins to
the zoo yesterday!”

The guy replies, “I did – they loved it, thanks. Today I’m taking them
to the beach!”

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Family Duet

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For goodness sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?”

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Making Babies

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, “That’s
interesting. How do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and
add ‘es’.”

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Protesting Robber

Police had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control
himself during a lineup.

When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give
me all your money or I’ll shoot,” this man blurted out, “that’s not what
I said!”

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The Line-up

In heaven there were two lines. One said “Men who were bossed by their wives,” and the other one said,”Men who weren’t bossed by their wives”.

There was a big line for the first one, but then the man who was checking peoples name in the book of life saw one man in the other line. So he told the guys to wait. He asked the man why he was in that line.

The man replied,”My wife told me to.”

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