If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon

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Q: What is the strongest animal?
A: A snail because it carries it’s home.

Q: What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?
A: French Flies.

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I Want To Be A Cowboy

More than anything, Billy wanted to be a cowboy. Taking pity on him, a
rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

“This is a lariat,” the rancher said while showing him a rope, “we use
it to catch cows.”

“I see,” said Billy, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the
lariat. “And what do you use for bait?”

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The End Is Near

Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign
saying:

THE END IS NEAR! TURN YOURSELF AROUND
NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!

…and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that passed didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted out his
window, “Leave me alone you nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash.

Fred turned to Luke, “do you think we should just put up a sign that
says: ‘Bridge Out Ahead’ instead?”

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A Subtle Hint

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman,
complete with tool chest, on the front porch.

“Madam,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know you didn’t, but your neighbors did.”

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What do you get from a pampered cow?
(Spoiled milk!)

What do you call a cow with two legs?
(Lean beef!)

What do you call a cow with no legs?
(Ground beef!)

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A Solid Reason

Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth. His Mom asked,
“Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?”

Johnny rolled his eyes and replied, “I’m a lot closer to the ground than
you are!”

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Know Thy Enemy

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of
fighting.

“How are we faring?” asked the king.

“Sire,” replied the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your
behalf all day, ransacking the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieked the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh, no…” said the knight. “Well, you do now.”

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Puddle Crossing

Traveling down a remote country road one day, a motorist came to a stop
in front of a giant puddle covering the entire road. He noticed a farmer
leaning on a fence, contemplating the puddle. “Hey mister, do you think
it’s safe to cross?” he yelled.

“Oh, I reckon so.” The farmer replied.

The man drove on into the puddle, where his car was immediately
swallowed up. The puddle was so deep he had to escape through the window
and swim back to the edge. When he climbed out he was furious with the
farmer. “I thought you said it was safe to cross!”

The farmer stood back and scratched his head. “Well, heck, it only came
up chest-high on the ducks!”

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What’s Inside

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the
paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of
paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color
that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your
paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried antacid?”

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Missing The Ferry

A man loved living on an island, but he wasn’t crazy about the ferry. If
you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so
waiting for the next one.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he
decided he wouldn’t subject himself to an hour’s wait. He made a running
leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe
on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander,
“Well, I made that one, didn’t I?”

“Sure did,” the bystander said. “But you should have waited a minute or
two. The ferry is just about to dock.”

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Cheesy Instrument

A husband and wife were browsing in a crafts store when the husband
noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking
over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, he picked up a shiny,
one-stringed instrument he took to be a mouth harp. He put it to his
lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes
on it.

After watching from a distance, his wife came up and whispered in his
ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese
slicer.”

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