Fred’s father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk across the lake to the bar for their first legal drinks.  So when Fred’s 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the middle of the lake, stpped out of the boat and nearly drowned.  Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother.

“Grandma,” he asked, “it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked kindly into Fred’s eyes and said, “Because they were all born in January and you were born in August.”

 

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Q: What kind of vegetable is sold at the zoo? A: Zoo-chini.

Q: What kind of socks do you need to plant Zucchini? A: Garden hose!

Q: Where did the Zucchini go to have a few drinks? A: The Salad Bar!

 

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Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to class?
A: He wanted to go to high school.

 

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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of root beer? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

What did the newspaper say to the root beer float? What’s the scoop?

What does a tree drink? Root Beer.

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I know a girl who has incredible, smooth, unblemished skin. I asked her what her secret was, and she told me every day, she soaks in a tub of milk.

“Pasteurized?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “just up to the knees.”

 

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Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband’s obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn’t it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.”

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he’d give her three more words.

 

 

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What Time Is It?

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”

The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”.

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!.”

 

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Rough Eating

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, a husband declared that oatmeal
would now be his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told his wife, “I hope I develop a
taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”

“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”

“You’re supposed to cook it?!?”

 

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Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9.

 

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The Tattle-Tale Parrot

A magician was performing on a cruise ship. The pay was okay, but there was just one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week knew the tricks. In the middle of the show, the parrot would squawk:  “Look, it’s not the same hat… he’s hiding the flowers under the
table… hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician couldn’t do anything because it was the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship sank and the magician found himself clinging to a piece of wood… with the parrot perched on the other end. They stared
at each other silently for several hours.

Finally, the parrot squawked: “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the boat?”

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