A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.” Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”

Later that day when a couple was over for dinner. The woman began to feel bad. Holding her head she said, “I have such a terrible headache!”

The little girl looked up at her giving her the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”

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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.  He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.  Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do anything,” the beachcomber said.  “The sharks got ’em.”

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The Perfect Caddy

The golfer called to one of the caddies and said, “I want a caddy who can count and keep the score.”

“Yes, sir. I’m very good at keeping score.”

“We’ll see. If I shoot 3 on the first hole, 4 strokes on the second hole, and 5 on the third, what’s my score so far?” asked the golfer.

“Ten, sir,” said the caddy.

“Good, you’ll do perfectly.”

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Long Speech

A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried
away and talked for over two hours.

Finally, he realized what he was doing. “I’m sorry I talked so long,” he
said. “I left my watch at home.”

A voice from the back of the room said, “There’s a calendar right behind
you.”

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Why was the bad baseball team so hot?

They didn’t have any fans.

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Types Of Bears

A couple were vacationing in a national park. The wife expressed her
concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more
comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he’d like to camp and to
calm her concerns, they’d talk to the park ranger to see what the
likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, “Well, we haven’t seen any grizzlies in this area
so far this year, or black bears, for that matter.”

The wife shrieked, “There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you
tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?”

The ranger replied, “Well, that’s easy, see, if the bear CHASES you up a
tree and it comes up after you, it’s a black bear. If it SHAKES the tree
until you fall out, it’s a grizzly.”

The motel room was quite nice.

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Canine Card Shark

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. “The
brightest dog I ever had,” said one, “was a Great Dane that used to play
cards. He was great at poker, but finally a friend complained about him
and I had to get rid of him.”

“You got rid of him, a bright dog like that?” exclaimed his friend. “A
dog like that would be worth millions.”

“Had to,” the first man replied. “I caught him cheating.”

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Fast Promotions

The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post
room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales
department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman.”

“Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”

“Thanks,” said the employee.

“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”

“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”

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Wrong Feet

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and
asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the
boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She
grimaced when the little boy said, “They’re on the wrong feet.”

Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they
worked to get the boots back on – this time on the correct feet. The
little boy then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” The teacher sighed
and pulled the boots off.

The boy then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear
them.”

The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to
wrestle the boots back onto his feet. “Now,” she said, “where are your
mittens?”

The boy replied, “I stuffed them in my boots….”

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His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go.’
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’
‘Why?’ asked the pilot.
‘Because I’m the news photographer’, he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.’
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’

Speedy Jigsaw

On a shopping trip to the city, a man bought a 24-piece
jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally,
the puzzle was finished.

“Look what I’ve done, Jess,” he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

“That’s surely somethin’, Willard. How long it take you?”

“Only two weeks.”

“Never done a puzzle myself,” Jess said. “Is two weeks fast?”

“Darn tootin’,” Willard said. “Look at the box. It says, ‘From two
to four years.'”

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Children and Allergies

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.

Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.

She replied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”

The person asked, “Are you allergic to cats?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know… I don’t eat cats.”

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