Black Eye Blunder

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She
claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The
next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned an hour
later with a black eye.

“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.

“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”

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Let Sleeping Dads Lie

A father had three boys.

One summer evening, they were all playing cops and robbers in the back
yard after dinner.

One of the boys “shot” his father and yelled, “Bang! You’re dead!”

He slumped to the ground and when he didn’t get up right away, a
neighbor ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and
said, “Shhh. Don’t give me away. It’s the only chance I’ve had to rest
all day.”

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Q: What did the flag say to the pole?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What do you say to a flag on its birthday?
A: Flappy Birthday

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Computer Flat-Lined

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

“This computer has flat-lined,” a co-worker called out with mock
horror.

“Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?”

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Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players,
“Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a
team?”

“Yes, Sir,” the little boy said.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at
first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand
all that?”

Again the little boy nodded. “Yes, Coach, I understand.”

“Good,” said the coach nervously. “Now, could you go over there and
explain it to your mother?”

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Room For Bad Behaviour

“When I was a youngster,” complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, “I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player.”

“So what do you do when he misbehaves?” asked his friend.

“I send him to our room.”

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Blowing Out The Match

On his first day working at the gas station, John watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” John said as a joke.

“It would go out,” the co-worker replied in a very factual manner.

“Really?” John asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”

“No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match.”

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A lady asked her three-year old grand daughter what she liked to eat.

“Nuts,” the grand daughter replied.

“Great,” said the lady.  “What Kind?  Pecans?  Walnuts?  Peanuts?”

“Donuts.”  replied her granddaughter.

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An Outstanding Award

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize… to people who are out standing in their field.”

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Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch,he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down,he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.

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Exact Time

Every weekday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone
operator in a small town received a call from a man asking for the exact time.

One day the operator got up the nerve to ask him why he called so often.
“I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” the man explained. “Every day I have
to blow the whistle exactly at noon, so I call you to get the correct
time.”

“That’s funny,” the operator giggled. “All these years, we’ve been
setting our clock by your whistle.”

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