Going Out
A woman was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space.
Nothing. No open spots at all.
Then she noticed a couple walking just ahead. She slowly pulled alongside them and rolled down her window. She called out hopefully, “Going out?”
“No,” said the man. “We’re just friends.”
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Pizza Coupon
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, the mother handed him the money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza AND the coupon.
When asked to explain, he replied, “Mom, I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”
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Performing an Appendectomy
Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home because he was performing an appendectomy.
“My,” said the census taker, “that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?”
“Sure do! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!”
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Mystery Tipping
A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the screen.
He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a big tip.”
The usher moves him into the front row, and the man rewards him with a measly quarter.
The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, “the wife did it.”
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Greeting Card Selection
A little boy was carefully reading all the greeting cards at the store.
After a few minutes the clerk asked, “What is it you’re looking for? Happy Birthday? Get Well Soon? Happy Anniversary to your mom and dad?”
The boy shook his head, “No.”
“Then what kind of card is it that you want?” asked the clerk.
The boy answered wistfully, “Got any blank report cards?”
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Don’t Forget The Plan
A forgetful husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, and provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates, along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home he saw a bouquet, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, “Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”
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A Flying Turtle?
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the lowest branch, jumped into the air waving his front legs, and dropped to the ground. He slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”
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A Long Climb
Bill, Jim and Scott were staying in a 75-story hotel. One afternoon they were told that the elevators were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room on the top floor.
Bill said, “The climb will go faster if we distract ourselves. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way.”
Bill started telling jokes and didn’t stop until the 26th floor. Then Jim began to sing and kept going until the 51st floor. Then Jim stopped singing and told Scott to start telling sad stories.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” Scott said. “Once upon a time there was a man who left his hotel room key in the car…”
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Tuning Reminder
It seemed that every time John the piano tuner came to Mary’s house, he scolded Mary for waiting too long between tunings. Mary agreed with John that it should be done every six months, but she don’t really think about it until the piano sounded off-key.
Last time Bill came over to tune the piano, Mary was on the defensive: “If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist,” she declared, “I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion.”
Without hesitating, he replied, “From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me.”
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I didn’t see any.
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Dirty Little Boys
A little boy fellow came in from playing in the yard, covered from head to toe in dirt, and asked his mother, “Who am I?”
Thinking this was a new game she said, “I don’t know! Who are you?”
“WOW!” cried the boy. “Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!”
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Where Do You Live?
A father was discussing geography with his two year old daughter: “Where do you live?” he asked her.
“Minneapolis,” she said.
“Where does grandma live?”
“Baltimore.”
“Where does uncle Joe live?”
“Chicago.”
“And where does daddy live?”
“At work!”
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In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America, they call it golf.
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