Wrong Feet

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and
asked his teacher for help. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the
boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She
grimaced when the little boy said, “They’re on the wrong feet.”

Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they
worked to get the boots back on – this time on the correct feet. The
little boy then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” The teacher sighed
and pulled the boots off.

The boy then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear
them.”

The teacher felt like crying, but she mustered up the strength to
wrestle the boots back onto his feet. “Now,” she said, “where are your
mittens?”

The boy replied, “I stuffed them in my boots….”

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His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go.’
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’
‘Why?’ asked the pilot.
‘Because I’m the news photographer’, he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.’
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’

Speedy Jigsaw

On a shopping trip to the city, a man bought a 24-piece
jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally,
the puzzle was finished.

“Look what I’ve done, Jess,” he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

“That’s surely somethin’, Willard. How long it take you?”

“Only two weeks.”

“Never done a puzzle myself,” Jess said. “Is two weeks fast?”

“Darn tootin’,” Willard said. “Look at the box. It says, ‘From two
to four years.'”

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Children and Allergies

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.

Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.

She replied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”

The person asked, “Are you allergic to cats?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know… I don’t eat cats.”

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Airline Food Choices

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in
front of me.

“What are my choices?” he asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

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Sleeping Juror

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.”

The Judge ruled, “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.”

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On The Ball

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.

Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, “Whoa! what are we going to do?”

Said the other ant: “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on top of the ball!”

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A Birthday Number

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

“Don’t let it bother you,” said a strange but amused voice. “You folks
need all the practice you can get.”

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Hamster Care

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take
care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, “How many times do you think
that hamster would have died if I hadn’t looked after it?”

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, “Once?”

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This kid is not so bright. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

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