Poor Actor

A poor actor was having trouble paying his rent. One morning his
landlady caught him in front of the building and demanded her money.

“Couldn’t you please give me a break?” begged the actor. “You know, one
day people will pass by this building, point up, and say ‘One of the
greatest actors of our generation used to live here’.”

“If you don’t pay up,” said the landlady, “they could be saying that
tomorrow.”

 

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Deep in the Savannah, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.

“It’s got to be me,” said the hawk. “After all, I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey. You two can’t do that.”

“Maybe not,” said the lion, “but I am certain I’m more powerful. I am fast, have sharp teeth and claws, and besides which they call me the king of beasts!”

“Nope,” said the skunk, “got you both beat. Really. With a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you!”

At just that moment, a bear came down from one of the trees and settled the debate by eating them all — hawk…lion…and stinker.

 

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Danger-Seeking Dinos

Velma was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The
ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been
found in the area.

Velma exclaimed, “Wow — I can’t believe the dinosaurs would come
this close to the highway!”

 

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Which Club to Use?

The golfer hit his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods.

Finally, after banging away several more times, he hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he’d noticed that the golf club instructor had been watching.

“What should I do now?” he asked the instructor.

“I don’t know,” the instructor replied. “What game are you playing?”

 

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Black Eye Blunder

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She
claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The
next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned an hour
later with a black eye.

“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.

“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”

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Let Sleeping Dads Lie

A father had three boys.

One summer evening, they were all playing cops and robbers in the back
yard after dinner.

One of the boys “shot” his father and yelled, “Bang! You’re dead!”

He slumped to the ground and when he didn’t get up right away, a
neighbor ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and
said, “Shhh. Don’t give me away. It’s the only chance I’ve had to rest
all day.”

 

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Q: What did the flag say to the pole?
A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What do you say to a flag on its birthday?
A: Flappy Birthday

 

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Computer Flat-Lined

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

“This computer has flat-lined,” a co-worker called out with mock
horror.

“Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?”

 

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Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players,
“Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a
team?”

“Yes, Sir,” the little boy said.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at
first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand
all that?”

Again the little boy nodded. “Yes, Coach, I understand.”

“Good,” said the coach nervously. “Now, could you go over there and
explain it to your mother?”

 

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Room For Bad Behaviour

“When I was a youngster,” complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, “I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player.”

“So what do you do when he misbehaves?” asked his friend.

“I send him to our room.”

 

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Blowing Out The Match

On his first day working at the gas station, John watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” John said as a joke.

“It would go out,” the co-worker replied in a very factual manner.

“Really?” John asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”

“No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match.”

 

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A lady asked her three-year old grand daughter what she liked to eat.

“Nuts,” the grand daughter replied.

“Great,” said the lady.  “What Kind?  Pecans?  Walnuts?  Peanuts?”

“Donuts.”  replied her granddaughter.

 

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