War Of The Worlds
While a six-year-old daughter and her father were reviewing some old
photographs, they came across a picture of him when he was a captain in
the Army Reserves.
“Daddy, were you in a war?”
“Yes,” the man lied, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against which planet?”
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Which Club to Use?
The golfer hit his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods.
Finally, after banging away several more times, he hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he’d noticed that the golf club instructor had been watching.
“What should I do now?” he asked the instructor.
“I don’t know,” the instructor replied. “What game are you playing?”
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Black Eye Blunder
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She
claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The
next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned an hour
later with a black eye.
“Did you get hit by the same person?” his captain asked.
“No,” he replied. “I stepped on the same rake.”
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Let Sleeping Dads Lie
A father had three boys.
One summer evening, they were all playing cops and robbers in the back
yard after dinner.
One of the boys “shot” his father and yelled, “Bang! You’re dead!”
He slumped to the ground and when he didn’t get up right away, a
neighbor ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and
said, “Shhh. Don’t give me away. It’s the only chance I’ve had to rest
all day.”
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Q: What did the flag say to the pole?
A: Nothing, it just waved.
Q: What do you say to a flag on its birthday?
A: Flappy Birthday
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Computer Flat-Lined
I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
“This computer has flat-lined,” a co-worker called out with mock
horror.
“Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?”
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Sportsmanship
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players,
“Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a
team?”
“Yes, Sir,” the little boy said.
“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at
first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand
all that?”
Again the little boy nodded. “Yes, Coach, I understand.”
“Good,” said the coach nervously. “Now, could you go over there and
explain it to your mother?”
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Room For Bad Behaviour
“When I was a youngster,” complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, “I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player.”
“So what do you do when he misbehaves?” asked his friend.
“I send him to our room.”
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Blowing Out The Match
On his first day working at the gas station, John watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” John said as a joke.
“It would go out,” the co-worker replied in a very factual manner.
“Really?” John asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”
“No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match.”
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We are giving away the Chicken Soup for the Soul book “Grandparents.”
Listen during a KZ Country Morning with Theresa Trapp Monday, June 10-Friday, June 14, 2019 for chances to call 785-628-2995 and win. No age requirement to win.
Winners will need to pick up their books at the KZ Country Studio, 2300 Hall, Hays, KS within 30 days of winning.
There’s a special bond between grandparents and their grandchildren, and an unconditional love that is truly special. Whether an experienced grandparent, or a grandparent-to-be, you’ll enjoy these 101 heartwarming, amusing and inspirational stories.
The moment a grandchild is born, a grandparent is born too. This collection is full of stories by grandparents about being a grandparent, and grandchildren about their grandparents. Personal stories about legacies and traditions, a grandparent’s wisdom and lessons from grandchildren as well as the joys and challenges of grandparenting will touch the heart and tickle the funny bone.
*****
Congratulations Mark Steinhaus, Brinna Robinson, Helen Benlein, Tim Hageman and Karen Sears!
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A lady asked her three-year old grand daughter what she liked to eat.
“Nuts,” the grand daughter replied.
“Great,” said the lady. “What Kind? Pecans? Walnuts? Peanuts?”
“Donuts.” replied her granddaughter.
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An Outstanding Award
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize… to people who are out standing in their field.”
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Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch,he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down,he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.
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